Knock, Knock

In creepy movies, one of the lines we might hear from predators is "you can run, but you cannot hide".

But in real life, we can.

Particularly in gay life.

Well, some of us, at least.

Stanley my sex bunny friend fully agrees with me.

"In the creepy movies that I watch," he said, making quotation marks in the air at the word creepy, "the predators will also say you can run but you cannot hide."

"But in those movies, they always have a happy ending," Stanley said with great gratification.

I'm inspired to write about hiding in the closet because the topic came up the other day when Stanley WhatsApped me.

"It's a boy," Stanley wrote, pasting a photo of a very tiny being wrapped up in swathes of towels.

The newborn, fresh into this world and fresh out of the oven, looked reddish and very annoyed, the photo capturing him in a perpetual scream.

"Anyone who comes out of that tunnel will definitely be pissed like this li'l cutie," Stanley said.

The cutie belonged to our friend Matthew, and the oven belonged to Carey, Matthew's wife.

Of course, we're happy for Matthew - Stanley and my friend from our army days - and Mrs Matthew.

I mean, the natural thing would be to feel happy for a friend's new baby boy, right?

Except in Matthew's case, we aren't exactly sure.

Matthew is gay and in denial.

We know because years ago, we found out that Matthew slept around with the same number of men - and in some cases, the same men - as Stanley.

The matter came to light when Stanley had a prolonged chat with one of his talkative One Night Stand partners.

Matthew was mentioned because the One Night Stand asked if Stanley might know Matthew since both of them belonged to a small, elite force in the army, and both were of the same age.

Shocked, Stanley took on the probing role and dug for more info and, to his utter surprise, confirmed that the Matthew was our Matthew. There was photographic and text evidence.  

I remember Stanley urgently texting me immediately with that news when he found out.

Matthew is a very straight-acting man.

So straight-acting that, like method actors, he believes he's straight.

While he is our friend, he had never opened his heart to show anyone his most vulnerable part.

"Yah, but he can open up his zip and show people his most vulnerable bits," Stanley retorted in mock anger, unwilling to accept such irony.

Years ago, Stanley and I decided to help Matthew get out of his closet so that he knows he's not alone in this world.

Over a casual dinner at a Japanese restaurant in Holland Village, Stanley got the conversation moving.

"Matt, I have something to tell you," Stanley said casually, setting his green tea cup on the table.

Matthew waited cautiously, sensing potentially heavy news.

"I'm gay," Stanley said and paused.

It took Matthew just two seconds to recover and say the words "Okay!" in a decidedly clam manner.

"I'm gay too," I added, and paused.

Again, two seconds later, Matthew bounced back calmly. "Oh, okay," he said.

Stanley waited for Matthew to finish chewing - so that he had no excuse to stall his next answer - when he went for the kill: "Are you gay, Matt?"

Matthew paused and this time, he breached the two-second mark.. third second, fourth second... tick tock tick tock... Matthew stared blankly at Stanley his mouth slightly agape and a grand total of nine seconds later (yes, I had to keep count as Stanley had instructed carefully at the plotting stage), said "no."

That night, Stanley decided to brush it off and not produce evidence that would force Matthew into an unretractable corner.

Eventually, Matthew retreated further into his closet - his prison - and eventually, years later, invited us to his wedding.

Matthew's newborn stirred up that evening's dinner topic and it made me feel sad for Matthew.

I am in no position to judge.

And neither was Stanley - he was in a compromised position and couldn't think clearly when he received my message asking him for his thoughts.

I of all people - gay and sometimes indignant about how other people shouldn't judge gays - should never impose my judgement on anyone.

Because whether you want to step out of the closet or not is none of my business.

Except in Stanley's case - I was one of those heavily involved in his coming out party when he invited a handful of our army buddies to his house for a barbeque gathering at a time when the group of us were starting to marry one by one and Stanley's sick of answering when his turn might be.

After that party, Stanley teared.

Three of our best pals in our unit toasted to Stanley's (and slightly later, my) coming out, and today, they remain fierce, loyal buddies to us.

Carl our dense friend's coming out was a simple affair.

He didn't need to step out of his closet: His closet was transparent and made of glass for all to view.

While we aren't open gayvangalists, introducing ourselves at parties by stating that we're gay, we don't outrightly lie or - most importantly - feel ashamed of ourselves.

But that's not the case for Uncle Thomas, my uni classmate Sasa's uncle.

Sasa, who, while isn't a faghag, isn't clueless about gays either.

She's a gay associate given that she has wonderful gay men in her life: Her creative boss, her interior designer, her ex-classmates from SCGS, and of course, me.

Oh, and apparently, Uncle Thomas too.

Sasa has long suspected that Uncle Thomas, 55, single and available is gay.

And being his favourite niece, Sasa wants to be supportive and so has on many occasions, hinted to Uncle Thomas that she's open minded, has a great good gay friend from uni, and will go all out to burn her expensive branded bra if necessary, at the Pink Dot event.

But Uncle Thomas never took the bait.

"I don't want him to feel pressured - I just want him to know I'll always love him," Sasa would say.

What worries Sasa is, Uncle Thomas doesn't seem to be comfortable with the idea of his sexuality 'cos most of Uncle Thomas' friends are straight and she worries that Uncle Thomas is forever gonna be in the closet that the closet becomes a coffin.

"Maybe I'm too close to him for him to be open," Sasa would say at every opportunity whenever the topic of old gay men came up.

I thought about it the other night.

Coming out of the closet gets harder when you're older.

The key is lost. And even if it's unlocked, the hinges of the closet become rusty.

There's a lot more at stake - especially since the skeleton that's in the closet has lived a large part of his life like that.

Maybe, they're like turtles.

Without their shells, they die.

So we shouldn't act like we know better and force them out of their shells. 

Stanley fully agrees.

"Turtles remind me of dick heads," Stanley said on WhatsApp.

"And those dick heads find it harder to shed their shell as they grow older. Circumcision gets more complicated with age."

I told Sasa who told me she couldn't look at Uncle Thomas in the eye for the next three weeks.



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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people