Offering help to them is not the problem.
I'm helpful, and will do so even without being asked.
What irks me is how acquaintances choose to approach me for help.
"Hey, how are you Adam?"
"How have you been Adam?"
"How's it going Adam?"
No matter the permutations, these people don't want to know how I'm coping.
It's just their typical opening line.
"Why are you so upset," Stanley my sex bunny friend asked, amused.
"Are opening lines that important?" asked Stanley, Expert of Pickup Lines.
Because shortly after you engage these long-time-no-sees, they launch into their true intentions.
Like I said, I don't mind helping you.
I simply mind that you don't go straight to the point and you don't respect me enough by patronising me.
"How about the next time someone does that to you to ask you how you are, you reply them that you have breast cancer?" Stanley typed.
No offence, but if I were to really do that, chances are some of my acquaintances would probably reply me with "oh dear, take care. By the way, Adam, I was hoping to ask you for a favour."
It's happened to me various times, and it's come to a point when I think I would like to set the record straight.
The next time you want to get help from people whom you've not met in years, cut the pretense.
A good starting line can be this.
"Hey, so-and-so. I'm sorry that the first message to you in a while is a call for help. Can you blablablah…"
Or even:
"Sorry so-and-so. I really need help".
And then after that person helps you, then you proceed to ask him how he is -- provided you really mean it.
These days, it's very hard to find someone who types messages like he means it.
Stanley is first to disagree.
"I mean what I type -- all the time," said Stanley my sex bunny friend.
"And I go straight to the point -- wanna hook up? Wanna fuck? Wanna suck? Wanna cuddle?"
True.
Stanley may be far from straight but he does go straight to the point, and more often than not, that point is usually located at certain parts of a man's body.
Case in point.
Earlier this year, before the madness of the COVID outbreak, someone from NS whom I'd not seen for 20 years messaged out of the blue, suddenly very concerned of my wellbeing, paying particular care to how I'm adapting to Myanmar when I was still posted there.
"Is the weather ok? Is the food ok? Are you homesick?"
But less than 2 minutes into the crap, this person proceeded to ask me to plan his itinerary in Myanmar because he and new girlfriend are planning a trip there, and he even had the cheek to hint if I could drive them around.
Look. I'm happy to help and play tour guide but if my friend had gone straight to the point and cut this pretense, I wouldn't have been so cheesed off.
"Maybe people are just trying to be polite," Stanley said dismissively.
That's exactly where the fault lies.
Trying to be.
Don't need to try -- you either mean to ask how a person is unconditionally, or you ask simply and plainly for a person's help without all this foreplay.
Stanley replied me with a gif of a pouting fat woman, obviously disappointed that I placed so little emphasis on foreplay.
In the end, I told that friend I wouldn't have time to drive him around -- my chauffeur has to report strictly to me.
But I took 20 minutes of my precious time to type out a lovely itinerary for him and his girlfriend.
Last I checked, he did stick to the recommendations -- his IG feeds showed up on mine.
But since I didn't offer to drive him around, he didn't even bother getting in touch with me while I was there to ask me how I was doing.
Stanley later told me I needed to calm the heck down.
This is basic One Night Stand principles, he said.
First, you message to get your favour fulfilled.
Then, like all nomadic One-Night-Stand individuals, you move on.
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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people
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