"How exactly does one do that," asks Stanley in utter amazement.
"Does one play gay porn in his mind then bite the bullet and shoot, or would one use his hands and then gently introduce the tadpoles into the narrow crevices, hoping they'd swim their way to survival in those filthy tunnels?" the sex bunny wanted to know all the details -- the finer the better.
Carl the dense one, as usual, was late to the game.
"What are we talking about? Squid Game?"
"No. More like squirt game," Stanley says without missing a beat, waving one hand to dismiss Carl to stay on track.
We were meeting for the first time this year at Stanley's home for dinner, and the topic of married gay men with children came up.
Not too long ago, I was J's plus-one to his friend's regular dinner party.
J's main group stems from his secondary school, a close-knit community where everyone knows everyone and hangs out in the same circles.
Among J's boys are two of his schoolmates Boon Keong and Lionel, both of whom went on to become J's JC and then Uni mates.
Boon Keong and Lionel are both high flying elites and sane and sorted.
But where romance is concerned, Boon Keong is insane and distorted.
While digging in to our starters of avocado, capers, salmon and herbed tomatoes at Boon Keong's home, we were given a rather detailed introduction of his partner Alfred.
Alfred Koh, 45, is a well-groomed man who looks no older than 35. Well built, flawless skin, large, expressive eyes and has a gentle smile.
Alfred Koh, 45, is also a recent divorcee with a grand total of four children.
"Exactly my point. How does he do it?" Stanley the sex bunny interrupted fiercely, extremely bothered but also equally keen and determined to get to the bottom of Alfred's matter.
"Wait, wait, wait," Carl said. "There're too many names. I'm lost."
Boon Keong had met his partner last August.
"That's August 2021, Carl," Stanley said helpfully.
"And that's Lionel?" Carl asked.
"No, that's Boon Keong," I said.
"Yes, his partner is Lionel?" Carl asked.
"No, that's Alfred," I said.
"And Alfred is?" Carl asked.
"Alfred, 45, is a well-groomed man. He has four children. FOUR, Carl. FOUR! How does he do it?!" Stanley cut in, his eyes swelling into the size of swollen testicles.
"Oh... but isn't Alfred gay?" Carl asked, confused.
Stanley looked like he was about to crumble with stress with the lack of information to my story.
Carl looked like he was about to crumble with stress with too much information to my story.
But back to Alfred Koh, 45, well-groomed divorcee with four children.
"How does he do it..." Stanley said in whispered gasps, as if his last breath would soon come upon him before the mystery would solve itself.
"I still keep in touch with my kids," Alfred said mater of factly.
"The oldest is 17, then 14, and then there're my 12 year old twins," the well-groomed father of four said.
Carl stole a glance at me, saying with his eyes please don't list more names... I can't take it anymore.
Stanley shot me an urgent look, saying with his eyes please tell me how he does it... I can't take it anymore.
"Does your children and wife know about all this?" Lionel asked.
"Carl, Lionel is J's other schoolmate who went on to become his JC mate and Uni mate," Stanley added, hoping Carl wouldn't slow us down in my storytelling, which had actually started when we all sat down at Stanley's table for dinner, and at this point of my storytelling, the three of us were already starting to open our container of Power Chendol dessert.
Alfred's wife apparently knows the reason for their eventual divorce.
In fact, years ago, Alfred had once confessed to his wife -- who was then his Best Friend from his primary school -- that he was gay.
And because the wife -- who was then still Alfred's Best Friend from primary school -- loved him so much and wanted to be with him, she didn't mind that at all.
And because Alfred had wanted to lead a "normal" life, he suppressed his inner desires and went on with this marriage.
"I totally understand this," said Lionel, sane and sorted lawyer. "And nobody should judge this."
J and his boys would know this.
Having come from an all-boys school where femininity would lead to a path of teasing and taunting, it's not easy for them to put on a brave front.
For Alfred, it would be worse.
He comes from a elite school which not only celebrates masculinity but also embraces Chinese culture and values.
It doesn't help too, that Alfred's parents are both Chinese Language teachers whose family values are rooted in the ancient acts of filial piety and producing offspring.
But there comes a point where enough is enough.
Alfred had a health scare a few years ago.
And that was when he realised his remaining life is too short.
He struggled and struggled, and eventually, made the brave decision to discuss this with the wife.
"It was an amicable divorce," Alfred said. "We decided to keep it as civil and cordial as possible -- so I can see the kids anytime I want, but the only condition is that I can't tell the kids and our family I'm gay."
That night, as J and I left Boon Keong's home, we reflected on how being gay in our time was not easy.
Being born in the late-70s meant growing up in the 90s, which was a time when technology was just emerging.
Technology such as ICQ and IRC which would eventually pave the way for closeted gay boys to hide behind those platforms and bravely come online to meet fellow gay boys.
But not all would have caught on that trend.
People like Alfred, who have struggled with their identities and family or religious values, would surely have had to make a choice: Should they follow their hearts and explore the gay world, or should they continue to live like straight men?
There is no one straight answer.
Gay men who choose to have straight lifestyles shouldn't be judged, just like how we gay men don't want to be judged by our "lifestyle choices".
But in J's words, at least Alfred has come to terms with his life.
"It gets better, I guess," J says to me at the close of that night. "I think the next generations of gay boys would have it better."
By the time I concluded my story, Stanley realises that I have no answer to how Alfred procreated and produced four children, and decides to move on,
"So, Alfred's health scare. You think it's STD?"
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