"Driiiiink!" shrieked Lina whose voice and face do not match.
Lina -- my sex bunny friend Stanley's yoga buddy -- is clearly high. Both in terms of intoxication level and her decibel.
For someone who can be described as a China doll (her skin is porcelain smooth and those sharp features of hers look like they were artistically sculptured by a skillful craftsman), I cannot reconcile with what's coming out of her mouth this very moment.
"Adam! Driiiink!" she commanded again. Her shrill voice sounded like it belonged to a night safari rather than any urban setting -- and it really sounded like it came from something feral which has very sharp teeth.
I promptly picked up my glass for fear of being shouted at again.
That night, the group of us were having a GE watch party at Stanley's.
The deal was, every time we hear the words "mandate", we would have to drink.
Between replays of Singapore PM Lawrence Wong and the political analysts on the live programme who kept saying the word mandate, it's safe to say we had one drink too many.
It was barely one hour into the 8pm live polling show and nearly everyone in Stanley's Queens Close home was high.
We gathered at Stanley's for an early dinner but our drinking started as soon as we streamed into his place by around 4pm.
By dinner time, we had polished off six bottles of whites. There were just six of us. Stanley the sex bunny, Carl the dense one, Lina the China doll with a non-human voice, Michael the unkempt gay, my partner J and I.
Mathematically, we each drank a bottle of wine before 8pm.
But who's counting.
Right now, the group is very focused on another type of counting. The votes.
We were placing bets to see if Singapore's main opposition force -- the Workers' Party -- would win more seats this time round.
And one of the most keenly-watched seats were those in Punggol.
"Punggol," Stanley began, "is such a basic place."
"It's a straight-people start-up town," said Stanley, chief urban analyst.
Michael, Stanley's yoga buddy whose farts helped forge friendships, nodded.
Stanley's point is, Punggol -- Singapore's youngest town -- is really made for straight people.
Government housing there is made widely available for all who want to buy their first flats. Even the condos there are cheaply priced.
As a result, over time, Punggol became the first choice for most married couples to start their homes.
"And five years later, these basic straight people will sell off their flats which they all bought with government subsidies and make a profit from it," Stanley said.
Carl the dense one, who has heard this story before, chose this moment to pee.
"And these basic Punggol straight people get on my nerves," Stanley said. "There's something un-classy about them."
Carl, who had finished peeing, walked back to the living room and when he realised Stanley was still on his Punggol story, decided he hadn't peed enough and returned to hide in the toilet for a while more.
"Typically, when you go to Punggol, you'll see the typical straight couple families. All these basic Punggol wives would be skinny, have long, rebonded hair, wears a spaghetti strap blouse and calls herself Linda when her real name is Tan Siew Moi or something."
"The husband will almost always be wearing some washed out army tee or singlet with hair that's never combed. They're usually good looking but overweight," said Stanley, Punggol Population Specialist.
"If they have no kids, they'll most likely have a trendy dog like Shiba Inu. And if they have a child, their son would have a pretentious name like Kayden, Jayden or Ayden."
"And their home will always be in some form of Japandi style or something," Stanley continued.
"That's extremely detailed," I pointed out.
"But what really gets me so angry is that these basic Punggol straight people get all the government help. They get subsidies to buy their cheap Punggol flats then when they sell it after their Minimum Occupation Period five years later, they make a profit!"
"We gay people don't get such benefits! We depend on ourselves!"
"The government doesn't take care of gays! VOTE THE WORKERS' PARTY!" Stanley yelled, giving Lina, who had fallen asleep, a jolt.
"Workers' Party, Workers' Party!" chanted Lina on cue.
"Driiiiiink!" she continued, and then fell back asleep.
"These analysts are talking and talking non stop," Michael complained, and reached for more cheese.
"Exactly!" shrieked Lina again.
Is this woman asleep or not, I wanted to know.
"Stop all the talking. I need action. Where is the action! I want ACTION!" said Stanley, who stood up and thrusted his hips at his 65-inch TV.
Carl drank to drown his sorrows because he was getting bored.
He could not understand what was going on right now. Politics is too complex for his brain that's wired to function at life's most basic levels.
And right now, all this analysis, talk about geopolitics and racial policies is giving Carl's brain overtime. Any more of this and he will hit 40-degree fever and break down further.
Just then, the TV cut to a tall newscaster in a nice suit.
"Shut up!!!!" said Stanley who seems offended by anything that's in his periphery.
"This newscaster is making me fall asleep!" he said, and took a handful of nuts and threw at his 65-inch TV.
J stood up and proceeded to boil some water in the hope of sobering some of our very drunk friends.
"Yada, yada, yada," Michael said as the boring newscaster -- who looks and sounds sleepy -- carried on reading.
Carl, who's bored to no end, stood up and did something constructive. Power squats. He needs to burn off his calorie intake so far.
"Actually, Singapore elections are all so boring," Michael said. "Look at the US. There's an assassination attempt on Trump. And in Malaysia, I hear people being bribed to vote for a certain party."
"Singapore politics is indeed very boring," Stanley agreed. "Which is why I focus on the good looks of this bunch of new faces."
According to Stanley and his database, this is the GE which has some of the most goodlooking candidates.
There's this former civil servant and yummy father of four who still looks like he's serving national service.
"I will vote for him so that he can serve me like a humble servant," said Stanley who sounds like a humble serpent.
And then, there's this geeky and brainy Workers' Party candidate who has a winsome, toothy grin.
"I love geeks. And I think of all candidates, this one, pants down, is the best."
By 11pm, the news programme switched from the droning of the political analysts to the news readers interrupting them to listen to more sample vote counts, to more droning of the analysts.
"You know what would make GE more interesting," Stanley asked his guests who, by now, are in varying stages of drowsiness. My partner J (who's an early sleeper) was dozing off on my shoulder. Michael had a half-chewed piece of cheese as he stared glassily in front of him. Lina looked like an oriental sleeping beauty (until she shrieks) while Carl was by now, doing jumping jacks to stay awake.
"If only the candidates were made to go through a swim suit round. Only the cute ones. That would make voting more exciting," said Stanley who seems more interested in the member in Member of Parliament.
"I mean, I would want to see that criminal fighter lawyer and his muscles," Stanley said wiping drool off the corner of his lips.
"I certainly want to vote him into the chambers. My chambers."
By 4am, it was clear that Singaporeans had overwhelmingly voted for the ruling PAP.
Is it flight to safety? Are voter sentiments no-longer readable such that all analysis leading to this landslide results were slightly off? Or are we in such echo chambers that we don't even realise what's real and what's exemplified.
There was a lot to discuss post-election results but right now, we were in no state to engage further.
"PM Wong and I both want the same thing," Stanley said in his closing speech as he saw all of us off at his door.
"He wants a strong mandate."
"I want a strong man date. Goodnight, Singapore," he said, and closed his bold green door.
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