And in his words, that’s not the best part of his job.
I love seeing the world, and getting paid for it, Stanley would say.
“And with the travelling and seeing around comes the sleeping around. It’s a great day job which comes with great night jobs – namely hand and blow jobs,” says my friend who would sleep with any Tom, Dick and Harry.
“Excuse me,” Stanley indignantly corrects me.
“Not any Tom, Dick and Harry, mind you,” he chides me over the phone.
“Dick, definitely. Hairy, that’s arguable. But Tom, certainly not. Tom sounds too average and darling, Stanley does only those who’re above average, Stanley continues over the phone.
My high-flying friend has just touched down in Singapore after a regional meeting in Cambodia.
And thanks to Singapore’s recent regulations, Stanley has found himself in an inevitable position.
“I can handle compromising positions. I can even handle difficult or awkward positions. But this is something I never saw coming,” says Stanley who can always accurately predict any form of coming or climax.
Stanley, who landed not too long ago, was so stressed he had to form this group voice call.
In another context, Stanley enjoys groups too.
But right now, Stanley’s group call to me and Carl our dense friend is chiefly to air his grievances.
“It’s not fair! It’s just mad,” Stanley says, sounding breathless, partly from lugging his American Tourist luggage and from exasperation.
Stanley is pretty annoyed that while he was having important meetings in Phomn Penh, the Singapore government decided to implement strict measures to prevent further spread of COVID-19, the damn virus that has been going viral faster than any leaked sex tape.
And as a result, Stanley has to serve a two-week Stay Home Notice.
And that means Stanley will have to, at all times, stay indoors or risk breaking the law.
In another context, Stanley would have no problems with staying home and breaking the law – particularly Section 377A – but this is a whole new ball game to him.
Carl our dense friend who still cannot list all 10 ASEAN countries, nor correctly spell the name of Singapore’s prime minister, had no contribution to the discussion, apart from an ‘oh,’ which indicates that he’s hearing this update for the very first time in his life.
“I mean, if they only knew that I, Stanley Ong, takes precautions,” Stanley says.
“When I see the ICA officer later, I’m going to tell him that for a responsible person like me who can protect himself from STD by wearing condoms, they can trust me to wear a mask and protect myself from COVID,” Stanley says.
Still having no idea of what the Singapore government has implemented to tackle COVID19, and still having no full grasp of where Cambodia is exactly, Carl our dense friend wisely kept quiet, offering only an innocuous “oh, I see” in the group chat.
Thanks to the rules, Stanley – who was totally caught off guard while he was in Cambodia when the Singapore government rolled out those stricter measures – will now have to be quarantined.
“I mean, a heads up would have been good,” says Stanley who would on normal days, prefer getting head rather than a heads-up.
“Sorry to stop you there guys,” Carl says finally, “but what on earth is happening?”
Well, Stanley is going to be served a Stay Home Notice for two weeks is what’s happening.
According to the new rules, Stanley will either have to prove to the authorities that he is staying put in his own home for the next fortnight, or show health and immigration officials that he’s checked himself into a hotel and is confined to the premises for that period.
“I have always thought that being caged up for two weeks is a good way to take a break,” Stanley says. “But in my fantasy, I would have at least three hot guys who’re in bolts and chains trapped with me.”
“Hey, should I go grab wine at the airport while there’s still time?” Stanley asks, clearly revealing his priorities.
I can only empathise with my poor friend Stanley.
I cannot imagine being locked up for two weeks and not go anywhere during that period.
Not even stepping out of my home to buy chap chye png or to mindlessly shop at Cold Storage.
For Stanley, he prefers checking himself into an accommodation outside his home, although home is a three-storey mansion where, if he so chooses to, can be a place he can be confined to and still carry out his cardio exercises by doing bunny squats up and down the stairs.
Our sex bunny friend would very much prefer to isolate himself to protect his family just in case he caught something while in Cambodia.
To be fair, the chances of Stanley catching some strange sex disease is higher than COVID19 but who’s to blame him for being careful and protective of his family?
And so, before boarding the flight back to Singapore, Stanley had efficiently checked himself into a premiere one-bedroom serviced apartment central Singapore.
“It’s an expense I’m willing to part with for my sanity,” says Stanley, adding “but the damned one bedder is only some 60 square metres – it’s so tiny!”
And then, realising his faux pax, immediately followed up with: “Oh, Adam… that’s the size of your apartment in Singapore right? Don’t get me wrong – yours is perfect. It’s cosy, I love it!”
I don’t blame Size Queen Stanley.
Having lived in a really huge mansion and used to large spaces, it mustn’t be easy for him – considering that he’ll have to be confined to that space for 14 days.
“I’ll manage,” Stanley says wistfully.
“Before I got off the plane, the head air stewardess who can thrive as a mamasan in any night club with her social skills, kept plying me with wine, probably knowing that I’m going to be deprived for a while,” Stanley says.
“Speaking of deprived, guys, I’m going to be sexless and man-less for two weeks. That’s the worst part!”
Although my well-liked and popular friend Stanley has already received kind offers from friends who swore to him that they’d help him buy whatever he needs and send it to his serviced apartment, all Stanley wants is not meals-on-delivery but men-on-delivery.
“I can imagine that after day 9, I might finally open the door and drag the poor Food Panda guy into my room,” Stanley says while waiting to speak to an immigration officer.
“First, I’ll eat the delivery guy the way my sexual fantasy calls for. And then, I’ll literally eat him alive partly due to pure physical hunger and mental anguish from being jailed for such a long time."
“And two weeks later when they come and uncage me, the serviced apartment staff will probably find a half-eaten Food Panda delivery guy and fingernail scratch marks on the wall.”
“And they’ll find me in sitting in a corner, my arms protectively wrapping around my knees, cradling back and forth and humming creepily to myself.
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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people
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