I think I might die here.
My stomach is full (from instant noodles) but my heart is empty.
I'm lonely.
Nobody loves me.
No one is talking to me.
My best friends have ditched me.
Adam is in Myanmar where he might die from COVID.
And Carl my ever-clueless pal is STUPID.
Talk to me, boys.
TALK. TO. ME!!!
As if the current ongoing drama in the real world isn't enough, I woke up to Stanley's theatrical monologue in our group chat.
It's 9am in Myanmar where I'm currently based, and 10.30am in Singapore where Stanley is currently based.
To be precise, Stanley my sex bunny friend is based strictly within the four walls of the serviced apartment he's booked in central Singapore, as part of his two-week Stay Home Notice.
Stanley is serving Day 11 of his two-week home stay.
"No, Adam, it's not four walls, okay. It's 10 walls. I counted because I'm so bored," Stanley says later that morning via a group video call. "See?"
Stanley then proceeds to take Carl our dense friend and I on a virtual tour of his apartment.
At first glance -- despite the shaky camera movement like it's a Blair Witch Project sequel -- the room does look rather luxurious.
Floor to ceiling windows that overlooks a bed of greenery of plants and trees, a nicely equipped kitchenette, and a comfortable looking room with a queen sized bed.
Stanley ended the tour by plonking himself dramatically on the mattress, lifting his phone up to show us a frown.
"This bed is so empty... it's meant to be a bed for two or more, but every night, I end up sleeping alone in this lonely apartment..."
Stanley began to wail animatedly.
Carl sat very still in his living room, unsure how to respond to people who are mentally unstable.
At this point, Stanley looks like he's on the brink of a total meltdown -- his hair unstyled, slanting leftwards from a whole night of pillow contact.
Stanley then began digging his nose, rolling the booger diligently with his thumb and forefinger.
He brought the offending piece near his phone camera.
"I wonder how booger tastes like," Stanley said.
Carl -- who once told us he ate his booger up till he was 8 years old -- was suspiciously quiet.
Stan, you need to snap out of it, I said.
"Easy for you to say! You're NOT in my position. You don't know how hard it is, Adam....YOU DON'T KNOW!" Stanley screamed into the phone his face all scrunched up, and then started wailing loudly like he had lost his husband and six children in a tragic village fire.
Carl looked like he wanted to cry, but I'm unsure if he was mourning alongside Stanley's widow status or because he didn't know how to carry on this video call.
"But I'll manage," Stanley says calmly, switching characters all of a sudden.
He walks into his kitchenette, pours himself a glass of Pinot Noir, swirls it, and takes an appreciative sip.
"Erm, Stan, it's 11am," Carl says nervously.
"Try being in my position and see if you'll drink," says Stanley, Black Widow.
Our fey friend is indeed bored.
Later that day, Stanley updated the group chat with useless facts.
I shower once a day.
My total step count per day, on average, is a grand total of 231.
By now, I know all the names and twitter handles of the ugly reporters and presenters on CNA by heart.
I am beginning to forget how you both look like now.
Is there still ice cream in the outside world?
Carl replied Stanley, suggesting he can kill time with Netflix.
"And Stan, you can always depend on these YouTube tutorials to work out your abs," Carl the gym rabbit wrote.
Stanley the sex bunny says: "At this time, no amount of YouTube or Xtube clips will keep me entertained."
"I crave human interaction. I crave the human touch, touch being the keyword," Stanley wrote back.
"Can Carl or Adam come by to my door and sit outside, and talk to me? We can lean on the door on either side and feel the human touch through the door," our resident drama queen said.
"You'll be freed in no time, bitch. It's just a few more days," I said.
"Oh yes... when I'm uncaged, I'll unleash," says Stanley, his remark coming across effectively as a national threat.
"But don't worry," Stanley adds.
"I'll practise social distancing.
"When I'm out cruising at public toilets, I'll stand two urinals away from the cute gay guy, I swear."
"And when we get down to having sex, there'll be condoms, gloves, masks and hand sanitisers."
"Good, clean fun has never been this serious."
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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people
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