New Normal, New Skills

First it's the bloody photos of Dalgona coffee.

Everyone and their grandmother starting making the ridiculous drink that takes so much time to whip up, only to have every of those painstakingly deconstructed ingredients end up reuniting in the same stomach in two gulps after the photoshoot.

And then, there're the endless streams of group Zoom photos.

Recently, I'd been seeing post after post of friends baking soft breads.

The circuit breaker period in Singapore has really forced many more bored people online, giving them too much free time to follow trends.

"Aren't these people supposed to be working from home or something?" Stanley said the other night via a three-way WhatsApp video call with me and Carl our dense friend.

"And if I hear the words 'new normal' one more time, I swear to God," Stanley said.

Carl looked up and waited for Stanley to complete his sentence.

Stanley glared back quizzically at Carl asked. "What is it Carl?".

Realising that there would be no Part Two to Stanley's remarks, Carl went back to chewing his fingernails.

These days, my Friday nights have been carved out for the boys where we would get on a WhatsApp vid call after dinner and chat till one of us says our phone is running out of battery.

That night, one of our topics was just when we would get back to the good old days.

For Carl the gym rabbit, it's to return to his routine of pumping iron.

For Stanley sex bunny, it's to return to his routine of pumping.

"Why can't we pretend to all bump into each other at Cold Storage? That way we can meet," Carl said like a child attempting to cheat ice cream out of his parents.

"And what? Get thrown in jail together?" I ask.

"Well, that's promising -- considering that first we get to see one another at Cold Storage, and then go to jail where I might finally get some legitimate sex," Stanley said, perking up. "It's at least something. I'm getting no sex at all at home."

"Or, why don't you guys just come over to my place," Carl said seriously.

"Are you stupid or what Carl," Stanley snapped.

Carl paused and actually considered Stanley's question, unsure if he would be judged if he chose the option 'what'.

"Do you know how many itchy gay men had been caught going to their 'friend's' house during this period? I'm not going to be a part of that stats," Stanley said, before adding quickly, "not that we're gonna have sex when we meet right?"

Carl scrunched up his face and shook his head violently at that suggestion.

"I guess," I said, "we'll all have to wait a while more before we can actually meet. And even then, things may never be the same again. It's a new normal."

"Adam, I swear to god," Stanley responded.

Carl waited to see if Stanley's finally going to reveal what he's swearing to god about, but after five seconds of nothing, worked on chewing his fourth fingernail.

On most nights, our video calls end up with us just staring at one another, not needing to speak because we're so close we no longer feel that silence needs to be filled with noise.

Stanley loves my theory.

"You're absolutely right Adam. It's only with strangers whom I feel the need to fill our silence. Which is why over the years, I fill it with moaning and groaning. Works all the time."

That night, I ask the boys how our Circuit Breaker has changed them.

Carl was first to answer, raising his hand.

"I've lost weight -- my arms are getting thinner and if I don't do anything about it, I'm going to lose the favourite part of my body," he said with a pout.

"I feel like I'm gonna lose the favourite part of my body too," Stanley said, "and it's also because of disuse," Stanley said dully.

In the last two months, it was like the whole of Singapore went through a whirlwind arranged marriage.

We were forced to commit into a relationship with CB because we had no other choice.

Some of us who couldn't conform, sneaked out to have affairs.

Those who did try to make the marriage work did what they could: They pretended to love their CB and curated photos to show the word how happy they were: Look, we made Dalgona coffee! Oh, we had Zoom drinks! Hey, soft breads!

But soon, the marriage takes a toll and everyone starts getting grumpy and annoyed with their CB spouse and can't wait for a divorce.

Carl, who was working on his fourth fingernail, paused and asked which of our married friends I was talking about.

Stanley couldn't be bothered so he took another sip of his Pinor Noir, a habit he picked up since being confined to his three-storey home.

Since the Circuit Breaker, Stanley has become more alcoholic, sometimes drinking as early as 11am.


But there are those who are using this period to really fine tune their skills.

Literally.

When Carl isn't exerting his python size biceps, chewing his fingernails or digging his nose, he puts his fingers to good use on the piano.

Our musically-inclined friend has been playing the instrument nearly every day and his latest rendition of Stanley's all-tine favourite Cantonese song Zhui by Leslie Cheung proved that Carl's fingering skills are tip-top.

Also picking up new skills is my uni classmate Sasa.

Apart from coming up with her own routine of conference calls and making her incompetent subordinates feel stupid in the morning, and Zoom yoga sessions in the late afternoon, Sasa has been fine-tuning her culinary skills to perfection.

I would know.

The other day, she drove by and passed me homemade Yong Tau Foo.

And I must say she has perfected the recipe -- her YTF pieces, stuffed with fresh minced meat and chestnuts -- made for a very happy meal.

Stanley's version of a happy meal also involves stuffing fresh meat, but into things of an extremely different nature.

And right now, our sex bunny friend is craving it.

Carl the dense one again looked up but seemed afraid to clarify further, so he instead carried on with his fingernail chewing task at hand.

And then, Carl raised his fingers at the camera, proudly showing us that manicure can be achieved with skillful and precise chewing.

"Well done, Carl. Your nails actually look like they've been properly cut," I said, impressed.

"I can think of doing other skillful things with my mouth too. And the digits I'll be putting into my mouth will definitely be bigger than fingers," Stanley said.

It's obvious we all need to break out of this CB soon.

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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people