Not the type my boys and I would normally do.
That Saturday night, instead of dressing up and slutting it up around town, my sex bunny friend Stanley and I gathered at Carl our dense friend's home.
Our favourite part of Carl's home is his big balcony -- open, airy, offers a great view.
"Sounds like a porn tape featuring upskirt videos," Stanley said, setting three bottles of red wine on Carl's table.
Snacks were brought out and places at the table quickly taken.
Tonight, we were summoned.
Carl is disturbed.
And he needs comfort.
Our dense friend recently had a change of boss.
A woman boss.
A woman boss from hell, to be exact.
And Carl, who usually fears vaginas, is even more traumatised after working with her for just two months.
Said woman boss from hell is really quite something.
She's toxic, harmful but goes all out to put on a nice façade in front of everyone else, according to Carl.
"She sounds like branded cigarettes," Stanley pointed out.
"Yes, that bitch can really give you cancer," said Carl, who is usually very gentle.
For the first three weeks working under her, Carl had the impression that all was good.
"Now, that's where you are wrong," Stanley interrupted, pointing his finger forcefully at Carl.
"When you are under a woman, nothing can turn out fine," said Stanley, who went on to remind us that his mum, the formidable Mrs Monica Ong, had taught him as a child to never walk under a block of flats where women panties were hung out to dry on bamboo sticks.
Turns out, after working for this woman boss from hell, Carl slowly saw how insidious this woman really is.
Her tactics are unscrupulous.
She would first chip at Carl's confidence, nitpicking on every single piece of work he submitted.
And the worst part is, she never says it as it is.
She would always put on a look like she's very concerned for Carl's future.
Carl went on to imitate her, frowning and tilting his head sideways and leaning forward to us, speaking in his best impression of a woman's voice.
"Carl, stop it before I punch you in your nose," warned Stanley.
"Exactly! I wanted to punch her and judo-slam her to the floor and punch her again!" Carl said, his python sized biceps turning from pale to a dangerous shade of seething iron-hot red.
As if that's not enough, that woman boss from hell would never offer Carl any solution, any expectation or any guidance.
Just words like "Well.... it's not perfect" or "that's not exactly what I was looking for", or "what went wrong Carl? This isn't what we discussed."
And recently, Carl found out from some of his senior managers that woman boss from hell had tried to sow discord in the team.
"You're not really up to my expectations, Carl. Even the senior managers agree," woman boss from hell told him the other day.
Thankfully, Carl approached each of the senior managers to ask them how he could improve, only to discover that they had never said anything like that about Carl to woman boss from hell.
Carl then dramatically slumped his shoulders in defeat, picked up his phone and started tapping away mindlessly.
"What are you doing Carl," Stanley asks.
"I'm solving problems," Carl replied dully, lifting his phone to show us his Candy Crush game.
"Ooooh, I have the same hobby too," Stanley said, whipping his phone out to show us a slew of cute men, mostly half naked with durian seed-like abs.
"Erm, that's Tinder, Stan," I said.
"No -- it's man candy crush. Geddit?"
Nobody laughed.
In fact, Carl looked like he wanted to cry.
"Now, now, Carl dear, we'll get through this together," Stanley said, sounding like a wise old English granny talking to the cold and homeless.
"But first, show me a photo of her. I want to see how that bitch looks like."
Carl obediently tapped his phone and conjured an image of woman boss from hell.
"Oh my goodness," Stanley said. "Do not accept any apples this woman offers you."
Carl managed a weak smile.
"Let's unpack all of these emotions," Stanley said gently.
"I'm very good at unpacking -- especially packages of male strangers," he added.
Stanley then switched gears, going from power bottom to super top management, putting his peoples-management skills to super good use.
"Listen up, buddy," Stanley said, sounding like he was a war commander giving instructions to his troops.
"To attack such bullies, such psychopaths, you'll need to get into their head space. Get in there, have a good look around, see their weak spots to know how to deal with them," Stanley said.
I was impressed.
Carl the dense one blinked blankly at Stanley.
If we were to enter Carl's head space, we would be in a very empty warehouse where if you asked out loud 'Is anyone home?', you'd hear echoes of home, home, home...
If one were to enter Stanley's head space, God forbid what you might find in there.
Probably a very dark cellar with maize-like settings where you'll have to find your way out. Be careful though -- you might stumble upon chains and cages and sex toys.
But I digress.
According to Stanley the human behavioural expert, Carl has to understand why woman from hell boss acts this way.
Best of all, Stanley says "you'll need to find out what gives her pleasure."
Carl the dense one gulps, his python size biceps launching into spasms at the thought of pleasuring his woman boss from hell.
"The more you know what she enjoys, the more you will want to avoid giving her that," said Stanley, who, to his credit, did not pause to throw in a sex joke.
"So you know she likes to chip at your confidence. You know she makes stories up. You know she likes to sow discord -- which means, if you crumble, if you believe her, if you and your colleagues' ties are soured, she will get the ultimate satisfaction. So, you'll have to look confident, and you'll have to show her you and your colleagues get along super well."
Carl lit up.
"Now, that's how you fuck with your enemy," said Stanley, war strategist.
Carl's shoulders slumped instinctively, his face contorted with worry at the words "fuck" and "enemy".
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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people
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