"Is Christmas really the most wonderful time of the year?" Stanley my sex bunny friend asked on Christmas morning over a three-way WhatsApp video call with me and our dense friend Carl.
Stanley -- who loves his three ways -- has always loved Christmas by the way.
It's entrenched in him (among other things, considering).
Being Catholic and all, Stanley had since young enjoyed the festivities in a big way: From being an altar boy on Christmas Eve mass to playing one of the three Wise Men in church nativity scenes.
Even as the innocent little Stanley grew up to be a sex bunny, Christmas was still meaningful to him.
He recalls one Christmas-eve occasion when he played three wise men. Talk about celebrating in a big way.
Carl, who always thought Christmas was the birthday of Santa Claus up till he was 13, didn't have much to add to the conversation so he focused on stirring his morning oatmeal and continued building muscle through his breakfast.
"Carl, stop eating such nonsense on Christmas morning," Stanley said, and raised his plate of leftover red velvet log cake and apple pie breakfast.
Despite the muted 2020, there is indeed much to be happy about this year end.
COVID vaccines have arrived in Singapore, and all citizens will be given free vaccines by the end of 2021 if they choose to get them.
Stanley my sex bunny friend is naturally excited.
Anything form of jabbing gets him quite hyped.
"I am going to get vaccinated," Stanley said, licking frosted bits of cake off the tines of his fork .
"I'm going to flip through the catalogue and choose a handsome male nurse to do the job. I'll pull my pants down, raise my buttocks to him and say poke me please," said Stanley who is on a roll.
"And trust me -- for the first time in my life, I will actually want the handsome male nurse to poke me with an actual needle and syringe instead of other tools that I would opt for on a usual day."
Carl wisely chewed his oatmeal with fierce concentration trying to fend off visuals that would disrupt his protein consumption.
I sipped my morning coffee and shrugged.
But this recent news is indeed a cheer to some of us though I won't be one of those who would be rushing out for large gatherings.
For one, I can't.
I'm currently back in Myanmar and the only interactions I can have with my loved ones are via video calls.
That in itself can be a happy thing.
Leave it to Stanley to inject new perspectives for me.
"Has anyone ever thought about how gay Christmases are?"
Sensing potential Q&A which Carl almost always has no answers to, the gym rabbit promptly scraped his bowl in the hope of producing enough morsels for him to continue chewing busily.
There's just so much tinsel and sparklies at Christmas. Everything is so, bright and gay, Stanley said.
Not only that, Stanley leaned in as if he were about to let us in on the world's best kept secrets, Christmas is actually a very sexual period, he says with a twinkle in his eyes.
Carl, who enjoys hearing sex stories but not during mealtimes or in the morning, moved on to licking his spoon clean so that there was something he could do to get away from the nightmare before Christmas.
"There's always a lot of sausages on the plate. The tiny baby ones, the thick gnarly ones that cause you to choke, the smooth, fat ones that get you licking your lips," Stanley said, preparing us for the wurst.
"There's also this underlying sexual act of unwrapping gifts... like how you would appreciatively untangle someone's lingerie."
Carl looked like he was almost in tears. He started licking his bowl to keep himself busy.
"Then there's the fisting," Stanley said. "Lots and lots of fisting."
Carl, who had by then returned with his second course of breakfast feast responded by dipping his biscuits in milo and gave Stanley a thumbs up.
"Every year the poor turkey is subjected to the sexual fetish of celebrants, who would stuff objects into the poor bird's orifice," Stanley explained.
"And don't even get me started on how wrong it is to place little children on the fat lap of Santa Claus. It's just... wrong."
"I'm really beginning to suspect the real reason Santa would break into people's house at night via chimneys -- and I want to question if it's really gifts his stuffing into socks."
Sensing how Stanley is not only ruining his Christmas but also his breakfast, Carl changed the subject.
"What did you do for Christmas in Myanmar Adam?"
Well, for one, I made it a point to be in touch with my loved ones back home, including one with my partner J and his family (Christmas to us isn't just Christmas... it's also near our anniversary).
Because of the time difference, I called them up just as I was about to start my Christmas Eve feast while J and his family were already in near-food coma in Singapore.
Though I miss celebrating our annual Christmas at J's, I had my Yangon gang -- friends whom I met in the last two years.
Most of them had not left Myanmar during the pandemic. They're all saving up their annual leave to unleash them when it's safe to travel back to Singapore, Malaysia and the Philippines respectively.
One of them, a young corporate lawyer who is the cheerleader of the group, had insisted we all got together at one of our diplomat friends' place for a big bash.
There was booze, there was wine. There was sinigang na baboy and chicken adobo (sour pork stew and marinated chicken, both Filipino favourites). There was also Caldereta, meat stew with innards. Our Christmas table was also filled with nasi lemak and curry, bee hoon and chicken wing, and of course, stuffed turkey.
Though I had truly missed celebrating Christmas with my loved ones back home, there was nothing I could complain about yesterday, when I was surrounded with some of my best friends in Yangon.
People whom I can depend on as my second family in this home away from home.
Perhaps, Christmas is indeed the most wonderful time of the year.
Merry Christmas, folks.
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