Innocent Children

I love kids.

Those young, child-like, imaginative, and innocent minds are so loveable. 

But I love kids mainly as a god-parent.

My understanding of children is admittedly shallow.

Sure, being a god father to my loveable godson has taught me how to love a small being and shower him with gifts.

But it hasn't magically turned me into a natural parent equipped with the necessary skills to take care of - and more importantly - bring up a child well.

I have never had to crawl out of bed in the middle of the night to make my wailing Mattie milk (can I heat up Magnolia?)

Nor do I have to bathe him (can he use adult shampoo? What do I wash his face with - face wash? Soap?)

Nor change his diapers (help! I'm serious. HELP!).

And I have nothing but respect for my friends who're parents.

Especially two years ago, before the world was turned upside down by COVID, and when I found myself thrust into the centre of parenthood.

I were to bring Mattie out on a group play date without his parents.

I'll be fine, I tell myself.

I have the basic godparenting skills already - I know how to handle Mattie if he needs to poo-poo or pee-pee outside, I know what to do if he's tired, and this time, I definitely will remember to blow into his spoonful of steaming hot food before feeding him lest I scald the poor boy's tongue and lips again.

That day, Mattie and I were to join an NS friends outing.

It was one of those outings where we would include wives and kids, so I brought Mattie along (my partner J thought it would be so strange to tag along and refused to come along). 

Six sets of parents, two gay men (me and my sex bunny friend Stanley whom I got to know in NS), and a grand total of 11 kids ranging from sleepy infants and wailing toddlers to restless children between the ages of three and eight, filled one large corner of the lunch buffet at Pan Pacific Hotel.

If you've been to such outings, you'd know your attention is stretched.

You've gotta keep one eye on your little 'un (Papa, I want to see the statue there) and visually track where that little rascal is heading (Mattie, not too near the statute please). And just when you manage to absorb what your friends are saying and are about to contribute to the on-again off-again conversation, somewhere, a crisis would pop up and someone needs rescuing (Little Sandy spilling mashed potato all over her bib; Joshua grabbing his daddy's specs with his tiny hands; Elena and Elaine again squabbling and demanding the justice of their mum).

"Remind me, the next time we have such an outing, to have six shots before I come," Stanley leaned in and whispered in my ear.

"And by shots, they're not limited to the alcoholic or pharmaceutical type - those by cute men are definitely more than welcome," Stanley added, his child-unfriendly remarks a tad too loud, making Mrs Sharon Lee shift awkwardly and cough.

By the time the kids were full, they started to be lulled into some form of uneasy calm with restlessness threatening to bubble up.

So thank god for helpers - we had three domestic helpers in the group - who took the kids away for a while, offering the tired adults much needed reprieve.

"I don't know how you guys manage," I say finally, as if someone had just released a set of handcuffs, setting me free.

"Yah... me too!" Stanley said to the adults.

"That's why the only way to stop this logistical nightmare of managing kids is to actually put your pee-pee not into pat-pat but into the poot-poot. That way, you can have fun but not worry about producing kids," added Stanley who not only needed to be handcuffed and locked away, but his mouth also needed to be stuffed and gagged (although with Stanley, handcuffing him might be part of his fantasy and stuffing his mouth with something is actually more a reward than a punishment. Plus that veteran sex bunny will never gag).

David Lee Bock Seng (who's nickname is Boxing Lee), one of our most earnest and straight-talking buddies, agrees.

"Bro Stanley, next time you share these kind of tips earlier lah," he said. "Look at me - I put my pee-pee in her pat-pat and now I have twin trouble!"

Inches away, his wife Sharon's heavy bosoms bubbled with anger, spelling double trouble and perhaps some actual boxing for Boxing Lee later.

"But all kids are innocent and lovely," I say, hoping to save Boxing from potential domestic abuse.

"NO LOR," Boxing said, unwilling to be saved.

"You would think that all kids are innocent. Adam, you're wrong," he said, wagging a finger at me.

Apparently, Boxing's set of twins Elena and Elaine - who are about a minute apart by birth - are world's apart in character.

Elena is the doting "jie-jie" to her unreasonable "mei-mei".

I saw Sharon smile urgently at us when her kicking Boxing under the table yielded no results. Sharon proceeded to take a quick swig of water to quell her apparent inner frustration while her clueless Boxing continued venting.

You would imagine that twins who look identical wouldn't be that far apart in character even though they will be unique, Boxing reasons.

But mei-mei's behaviour is beyond me, Boxing said 

Once, Sharon tied lovely plaids for the four year olds before they went to school.

And when Sharon went to pick her twins up, the teacher related this incident to her.

Mei-mei's plaids, because her hair was shorter, came loose. So naturally, mei-mei cried, demanding the teacher to plaid her hair again. The patient but firm teacher said to mei-mei that, no, she will not plaid her hair. She will simply tie up mei-mei's hair so that it's not messy. And then, mei-mei sat on the floor, kicked her legs wildly and told the teacher "if I cannot have plaids, then jie-jie cannot have plaids too! In the end, her doting older sister voluntarily loosened her neatly-tied plaids just to placate her younger sibling.

Boxing said he was very upset that his younger daughter is so unreasonable.

That's not all.

The same nursery teacher told them another incident.

Jie-jie had cut her forearm one day. So mummy Sharon pasted a 'Frozen' plaster and sent her off to school. Somehow, mei-mei accidently hurt herself in school later that day too. And when the same teacher wanted to paste a plain plaster for her, mei-mei again literally kicked up a hissy fit, demanding that she too have the same 'Frozen' plaster. "If I don't have the 'Frozen' plaster, then jie-jie must change to a plain plaster too!"

That got me thinking.

Kids' behaviour can be learnt from observing the adults.

Boxing is one of the kindest people I know. Straight talking, sometimes clueless, but definitely a man with a good heart.

Sharon, while uptight, isn't evil either.

So, why oh why is mei-mei's character so different to the loving, kind-hearted and doting jie-jie's?

Are characters built into the DNA of kids no matter how innocent they are?

By then, Stanley was very engaged for the first time of the afternoon, enthralled by this brewing drama.

"Imagine when they grow up - mei-mei falls in love with the same man as jie-jie... you can imagine that the younger one will demand that her older sister give up the man of her love..."Stanley whispered in my ear.

"Luckily for us gays, if this were to happen in reel life, the hot set of boy twins will happily share the same man without fighting over him."

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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people