Rent Boys

Three months ago, my sex bunny friend Stanley Ong made a few decisions.

They're rather adult decisions. 

I know, I know. 

I need to be very specific here because given Stanley's track record, adult decisions can offer a whole spectrum of scenarios that can play out from the bedroom and lead to consequences in the courtroom. 

"Oh, this is nice, long and hard," Stanley said, running his hands through the object. "I love the grainy details of this."

Stanley was referring to a dining table -- just being specific here.

The two of us had taken an unofficial day off from work to shop at Tan Boon Liat. 

Unofficial meaning, we're on leave but only we know it. Our bosses and HR don't know. 

Back to Stanley's decisions.

He had finally decided to do something to manage his mid-life crisis and decided to put his extra bedroom on the rental market.

"There goes my free bedroom whenever I stay over," was my first response. 

"Be happy I'm not charging you rent whenever you stay over," came the retort. 

Stanley had been toying with the idea of slowing down at work for the longest time.

Money is important to him, which is why he can't bear to take a huge pay cut and do something more relaxing.

So, being the strategic overthinker and planner he is, Stanley decided to increase sideline money first so that he can kickstart his safety net funds.

The easiest way is to forgo privacy and allow a man into his life for the long term. And getting paid for it. 

"Think about this as a reverse money-boy situation where my hot, hunky tenant is paying me to live in my home," Stanley said.

"And if we have sex, it's a bonus," he added.

I shook my head vigorously. 

"Don't shit where you eat," I said.

Stanley considered this piece of advice carefully. 

Stanley had literally shat where he ate -- or nearish. He once went for a toilet break during dinner only to successfully cruise someone there -- story for another time.

"But you're right. It would complicate matters," Stanley said. "I wouldn't know how much to charge him for, on top of the rent, if that hunk tenant sleeps with me."

Firstly, I like that Stanley has already built his perfect tenant profile right from the start.

According to my sex bunny friend, his tenant will be a hot hunk who finds all sorts of excuses to get naked, blaming Singapore's weather, and would walk around trying to seduce Stanley. 

"Are you listing that as a criterion on Property Guru?" 

"Who said anything about property guru?" Stanley said. "I'm listing my room on Grindr."

This is Stanley hitting two birds with one stone though if you force me to be specific, the bird won't be a bird per se, and the stone that hits the bird won't be a stone per se either.

"It's called widening your net," Stanley said. If you force Stanley to be specific, it's not just the net he wants to widen.

As we strolled into a Bohemian furniture shop selling all things rattan, Stanley thought out loud.

"I like the idea that I'll have rental income. But I am not so sure I'm ready to have a stranger in my home."

Agreed. It's not easy.

I would know 'cos even though I had been a landlord once and am currently a tenant, neither of those situations were live-in. 

I've heard of horrible rental stories involving crazy landlords or crazy tenants living under one roof.

"I've heard of rental stories involving crazy landlords and crazy tenants but darling, they weren't horrible. Saucy, yes," Stanley had to be specific. 

So here's the thing. Stanley needs to know whether he's desperate enough to commit to a year's rent.

Surely, he'll have to get used to a stranger in his home. The types that don't go back to their own homes the morning after. 

But, Stanley reasoned, that this isn't a marriage. It's at most a one-year contract. And I can back out after that. 

"That's the worst that can happen -- that things don't work out, but I'll still have a year's worth of rental income and peace of mind thereafter," he said.

"The best case scenario is, we all get along, I get used to having a tenant and, you know, there are bonuses along the way," he added without needing to be specific. 

And so, there and then at the Bohemian store, Stanley decided he'd do it.

"I'll put up a listing on Grindr and screen people from there and we'll see if they are worth staying in my place for one year, or one night," he said with a very specific action plan in mind. 

 

 

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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people

Sex And The Scam City

Our wholesome dim sum brunch last Sunday was dominated by a hot topic.

"The food here had better be good," Stanley said, his eyes doing rapid surveillance around Yan Palace, Chinatown. "Since there are no hot waiters around."

Carl the dense one, his partner Adrian, my partner J and I took our seats.

Stanley the sex bunny continued standing and scanning the restaurant and then he looked at me and smiled.

"At least there's one eye candy at the next table," he said, signalling at a fair, bespectacled boy who looked no older than 20, who was serving tea to his grandma. 

"I hope that's not his grandma," Stanley said. "If she isn't, it means he's a sugar boy. And sugar boys can be bought with money, and I can buy him to my side," Stanley reasoned.

If we cracked open Stanley's skull, we might see a network of complicated threads in his head space that links all nodes of various locations to one central spot that spells Sex.

"What's going on there?" Carl the dense one asked, looking up from his menu.

If we cracked open Carl's skull, we might not find anything there. Crystallised protein powder, perhaps. But nothing else.

The important task of ordering was soon under way. 

I made sure I had my pan fried carrot cake (my dim sum staple) and char siew pao requests secured, before agreeing to all other proposals. 

When finally the order chit was submitted to an elderly waitress who looked like a grumpy grandma, Carl kicked started that morning's discussion.

"My credit card is blocked because there are suspicious activities," he said.

"Oh, that's bad. Suspicious activities with a banker is good. With banking, that's bad," Stanley said, his eyes still studying the grandson-who-could-be-a-sugar-boy a few tables away.

"There were three transactions made in the UK. Some Uber trip," Carl said in horror. 

Long story short, Carl called up the bank to resolve it. 

Credit has to be given to Carl who is generally useless and clueless in life but I also suspect his intellectual partner Adrian had a part to play in helping him settle the issue.  

"This is so frustrating," Stanley said. "Scammers are thriving -- good thing they're all being shipped out of their crime hubs in Myanmar," he said.

"Oh? What's happening there?" asked Carl who has no idea what's happening around the world since he's always in his own world.

"You know, I used to be very bitchy to these scam callers," Stanley said.

"Used to be?" I asked.

Stanley rolled his eyes, ignored my backhanded comment, and continued. 

"In the past, I would spend time either scolding them, gaslighting them, or simply waste their time by being annoying. Then I realise some of them may be victims too."

Carl looked very confused. "So are they scammers or victims?" 

News of the authorities in the region getting rid of scam centres had made headlines of late, and this topic found its way to our table which is by now, laid with stacks of bamboo containers of steaming dim sum snacks. 

"These days, when I get scam calls, I simply hang up," Stanley said. 

My partner J added that in recent months, he's been getting less of such calls.

Everyone -- except Carl -- agreed. 

From the corner of my eye, I saw -- and heard -- Carl whisper to Adrian "what's going on?"

While Carl is ignorant about worldly affairs, Stanley is very plugged in -- especially where affairs are concerned. 

"You know, if I were scammed to work in Myanmar, I will thrive.

"I'll be one of their top performers," he paused and looked at us to see if we responded to his sexual connotation and when all of us continued chewing our food, Stanley continued.

"I'll be the one who would march up to the boss to demand to set up a new scam branch and I'll head the unit personally. It'll be a sexual branch where I focus on scamming people by making random calls and indulging in phone sex straight away."

Carl, who loves stories, put his chopsticks down and listened intently. 

"I think I'll thrive there also because I'm living with so many other cute China men.

"Think about it -- we are all herded in communities, we live together, work together, eat together, shower together and sleep together. There's so much bonding that can happen," Stanley said. 

Again, all of us continued chewing except Carl.

"I'm pretty sure I can be top scammer by day and top scammer by night too."

Carl, who realised the direction of the story, joined us in partaking food and stopped paying attention to Stanley.

"All I'm saying is, I'm someone who takes crises and turns them into opportunities," Stanley said.

“The way I see it, scam centres need to evolve. Think out of the box, come out of their crime rings,” said Stanley, assuming the role of chief consultant, head of organised crime  

“At a time when brick and mortar shops are no longer the norm and that everything has gone online, it’s time to buck the trend. Be the first to venture back into the offline. Focus on the physical touch,” said Stanley, giving the phrase physical touch unnecessary emphasis. 

“Like him,” Stanley said, pointing to sugar baby as if everyone else in the restaurant were blind and deaf. “Recruit such types and make them do the old fashioned door to door sale instead of online marketing. There’s a growing market for it,” he said, this time giving the word growing unnecessary emphasis. 

Stanley, pleased with his pitch of a lifetime, picked up his tea cup, sipped, and sighed blissfully at his future door-to-door scam salesman.  

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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people