It all began with a seemingly casual question.
"Do you guys eat supplements?" Carl our dense friend slash gym rabbit asked.
Of course.
For me, my supplement-eating journey began when I was a kid.
I was a rather sickly child so I remember having to eat vitamin C (in the form of sweets - yummy!) as well as cod liver oil (in whitish, liquid form - yucky!) for the longest time.
There were also home cooked supplements in the form of food.
Like chopped liver and pig's brain soup (I kid you not).
When I was a teenager, my mum added essence of chicken and bird's nest to the mix to help me get better results.
In NS and uni, I weaned off eating supplements.
I felt free.
Then my pill-popping habit peaked again in my mid-twenties when I started working because I was constantly exhausted by work, and felt weak and fell sick all the time.
But my vitamin variety pales in comparison to Stanley's.
According to Stanley the Swallower, his daily dose of pills comprises the following:
- Multivitamins ("anything that's multiple is always good")
- Gluccosamine ("for my knees, hunny - on some nights I have to be on all fours")
- Melatonin ("to help me wind down, and help me sleep")
- Meta B ("to help me stay alert and help me sleep... around")
- Milk thistle ("a girl needs to protect her liver from all the excessive drinking")
- Multi-Level Marketing product called Tea Green ("in this case, I swallow simply because a friend insists it's good and when Stanley is asked to swallow, Stanley swallows").
"Hunny, I can swallow them all at one go. I don't have gag reflex and that's a talent," he said to me.
"And you can quote me," he emphasised, eager for the virtual world to learn of his gift.
Carl our dense friend shifted in his seat.
He set his fork down and, looking like he was about to have a mini seizure, opened his mouth and uttered words that would soon spike the gay force field surrounding table 63 of ABC market.
Stanley reacted by letting out a high-octave yelp which, if he had tried harder, would reach a pitch which only God, dogs and dolphins can hear.
The colour in Carl's face drained.
"Please, please, please keep it down, Stan," Carl begged.
Stanley couldn't help himself.
So he bounced on his seat and used both his hands to cover his mouth, hoping that that very action could prevent a second faerie explosion.
Carl looked to me for help.
I didn't know how to react.
But between a serious and concerned face and letting myself go, I chose the latter and let out the first few sounds of a laugh, before Stanley took the cue and released his hands, unleashing a very hearty throttle.
We laughed for a good two minutes until we teared.
Stanley raised his hand as if to surrender and using his other hand, wiped his tears and saliva.
Carl slumped his shoulders, his python-sized biceps pulsating in disappointment.
Even as dozens of heads belonging to evening diners made up of wholesome family units had turned in our direction, Stanley couldn't care.
Our dense friend had just told us that evening's most ridiculous revelation that we had to take a moment to digest it.
Later, Stanley cleared his throat and switched to all-serious mode, looked Carl in the eye, and told him: "Carl dear. Thank you for being so brave. I'm sorry - we're sorry - for being such insensitive fools."
"It's absolutely okay to eat viagra as a night supplement. It's not easy. It must be hard on you," Stanley said, before his facial expression quivered and his voice broke, unleashing another round of violent giggles which he tried very hard to suppress.
Carl the hobbyist weight lifter had confessed to us not too long ago that he felt he could have erectile dysfunction (read it here).
But we didn't really follow up with him.
"Sorry, Carl dear," Stanley said, this time holding Carl's hand and looking very earnest as if to make amends.
"We should have checked in on you after that Swee Choon night, but you can't blame us because," Stanley paused to clear his throat, then continued meekly: "you never really brought it up again".
And then, Stanley fully let himself go, as if he were a fully blown, untied balloon that was accidentally let loose by the careless hand of a child, and for the third time of the night, laughed himself to death.
Don't get us wrong.
We are indeed supportive of Carl.
"Yes, yes, Carl, we love you. We love you to bits," Stanley said, still laughing. "We love you to micro bits" he added amid his guffaw, no doubt a step closer to death by laughter.
Carl pouted and looked like he wanted to cry.
"Ok, ok, enough," Stanley the solo actor of the hour said.
"Don't make Carl angry... wait he pop the viagra pill and turn into Captain Kukujiao and beat you with his iron rod then you know," Stanley said in between giggles, suddenly talking like a primary school bully.
But in all seriousness - because ED is nothing to laugh about, and viagra is not exactly cheap according to Carl - we calmed down to address this issue... two hours later.
As we sat in Stanley's car - where many serious life conversations were heard - Carl confessed to us that he chose viagra as an option because he couldn't give up taking steroids for his weight lifting.
As we sat in the car thinking about Carl's member, Stanley wondered out loud if we would one day see our own organ failure.
"Eh, Carl... it really works?" Stanley asked.
"Show us leh, show us leh," Stanley teased, urging Carl to immediately pop his supplement.
For the first time that night, our dense friend snapped back.
"Stanley darling, even if I were to pop 10 viagra pills, if it's you I'm facing, then the penis will never get hard," Carl said, imitating Stanley's tone of voice.
Not to be outdone, Stanley returned the favour.
"My, my. Viagra really promotes blood flow to the brain."
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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people
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