Moving In

Stanley my sex bunny friend had been busy of late.

He'd been going in and out of bedrooms and meeting quite a sizeable number of lean, sexy handymen. 

"Dear God, I have always dreamt of this scenario, but I never imagined it'd be this tedious," he said to Carl and I the other day.

Renovation work is no joke. 

Not when it's done during COVID.

The on-again, off-again reno work on Stanley's new flat had been slow and painful.

Thankfully, Stanley wasn't in a hurry to move out since his parent's place is a three-storey mansion with a basement, and that his room was the entire attic. 

Come to think of it, it's no wonder Stanley lives in the attic -- all creepy things happen in attics, according to Hollywood plots.

"Hunny, not just creepy things," Stanley the sex bunny corrected. "Many things can happen in an attic too -- and they are similarly rated R21," Stanley said, unable to help himself.

"What are we talking about," Carl the dense one asked eagerly, hoping to learn one more new thing this world has to offer. 

Stanley ignored him and said: "Shh. This is my moment."

"Welcome to my bachelor pad," he beamed like a proud parent. 

Carl put down bags of Stanley's belongings and cheered on cue.

Finally, the day has come.

After a delayed journey to getting his own place due to retrenchment, after months of searching for the apartment, and after delay after delay of renovation thanks to COVID, today is the day. 

Stanley is finally moving in to his new apartment. 

To mark the occasion, Stanley had gone to a fengshui master to get auspicious dates (which is a first for Stanley -- he usually turns to grindr and tinder, not a fengshui master, to find auspicious dates, but that's story for another day).

Today, we focus on Stanley and his very beautiful home.

"3, 2, 1," Stanley said, and rolled the lumpy pineapple from the main door. 

Carl put his python-size arms to good use to produce sounds of applause which I suspect the entire block could hear. 

I clapped alongside Stanley who started to frown.

"The pineapple didn't go all the way in," said Stanley, who is genetically built to be very concerned about things not going all the way in. 

The trend -- and I use the word trend and not tradition -- of rolling a pineapple into your house on the day you move in is a very Singaporean thing.

The hokkien word for pineapple rhymes with "incoming luck" so every Chinese person I know would do just that when they move into their new homes -- to roll the tropical fruit into their home, suggesting -- and hoping -- that the very action would inspire actual luck to roll into the new place.

Carl the dense one said: "When it's my turn, I want to roll a dumbbell."

It was exactly 3.15pm and it was the stipulated time Stanley's fengshui master had said was a good moment to step into his new home. 

Carl and I stepped in and watched Stanley get busy with a series of tasks.

Apparently, the fengshui master had instructed him to immediately turn on the stove to boil some water to make sweet Chinese desserts. 

Carl looked at Stanley, then to me, quizzically. 

"This sybmoblises that my house will be a place where water will start and fire will grow," Stanley said, repeating what the fengshui master conveyed to him.

"Erm, they sound like natural disasters to me," I say.

Carl looked even more confused. So much so that he had to sit down and start playing Candy Crush on his phone.

"I'm supposed to make you guys dessert so that I start off staying at this new place on the right note!" Stanley screamed.

"Sweet!" chimed Carl's Candy Crush game. "Tasty!". 

As Stanley busied himself defrosting tang yuan bought from NTUC days before today's formal moving in, and sliding pandan leaves into the boiling pot, I took in the beautiful apartment that spells Stanley. 

"Stan, your place has your essence," I said. 

Carl looked uncomfortable with my latest statement, suddenly wary that he's sitting on a sofa that could have stains of Stanley's essence. 

"Right? Stanley said from his open air kitchen. "I made sure my favourite colour green is promptly featured."

Relived, Carl sat back down and continued crushing candy. 

Stanley's ID had indeed done a good job.

Well, strictly speaking, Stanley had done a good job managing his ID. 

"Who knew I could be so good with micromanaging," Stanley the size queen said, stressing the word micro with a suggestive tone. 

The ID had very masterfully created a beautiful home for Stanley, just the way he wanted it.

His three-bedroom flat was turned into a two-bedroom flat. 

Stanley had knocked down walls to reconfigure his space such that he has an extended living and dinning area, all the better to host parties. 

His wooden dining table was inspired by mine -- one that's grand and long enough to host the last supper. Then again, for Stanley, the selling points were wood, grand and long.

His kitchen, where Stanley is currently adding brown sugar to the tang yuan, is open-concept, designed to also suit his future hobbies of baking cookies and cakes (yes, he hasn't baked an actual cookie or cake in his entire life but Stanley figured it would be trendy to whip up desserts in his new place). 

Our vain friend also has a walk-in closet and a very big bathroom that, if he chooses to, can fit a mattress to house two homeless people.

One thing I love about Stanley's place is that his large living room windows open up to the greenery that's Queens Close. 

Stanley had thoughtfully designed seating areas by his long panel of windows and I can easily imagine the three of us sipping wine and gazing into the greenery just metres away from Stanley's flat.

It helps too that Stanley spent a mini fortune on indoor plants, which are strategically placed in all corners of his bachelor pad approved by his fengshui master.

Simply put, I love Stanley's new place. 

And I can see that he loves his new place a lot too.

Stanley was smiling to himself as he scooped up the tang yuan into three mini bowls. 

Carl moved on from the world of virtual candies to the reality of Stanley's sweet treats and remarked "I love it, Stan. Your dessert, your place, everything!"

"I can't believe that finally, I have moved in!" Stanley said squealing like a girl on prom night.

That afternoon, the three of us spent our time clinking our glasses and munching on cheese and grapes, enjoying the very first day of Stanley's new chapter in life. 

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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people

Best Supporting Actor

My sex bunny friend Stanley's mum was recently hospitalised.

Mrs Monica Ong was getting out of the family car when she lost her footing because she wanted to avoid stepping on a snail.

That poor kind-hearted soul ended up not only twisting her ankle but also falling sideways landing on her left hip.

"Ouch!" Carl the dense one typed in the group chat, his response for once, matching the topic.

"The doctors say my mum didn't hurt her hip," Stanley wrote.

Carl then began typing.

"She hurt her spine instead and doctors are now saying she may not be able to walk for a while!"

"Yay! Good for her!" Carl's message appeared with unfortunate timing.

During Mrs Ong's first few days in hospital, Stanley had been busy shuttling between work and home and Mount Elizabeth Hospital Novena.

Stanley's dad, with his ageing eyes, no longer drives so Stanley's been the main chauffeur, ferrying his dad to the hospital in the morning, and then back home in the evening.

What's more, Stanley's sister isn't in town so the burden is all Stanley's to bear.

Every day, Stanley has to talk to the doctor to find out one surprise after another.

All she needs is occupational therapy and physiotherapy. 
Oh, no... we think a fragment of her spine is edged on her nerves.
We think she may not be able to walk for a while. She's getting weaker by the day.
We think she may need surgery. 

"Caregiving is very tiring. I am so exhausted," Stanley wrote.

"Why is this happening to my mum when all she wants to do is to avoid stepping on a snail. Life is very unfair. My advice to all mothers would be to just step on the bloody snail."

Carl wisely chose not to type anything rashly until he gets a final, final assessment of the situation, just in case.

Juggling work, taking care of a loved one, and handling day-to-day matters at home is no fun.

Add to that, the scary thought of your mum not being able to walk for a while.

What does that even mean?

Will she recover? Will she forever be bedridden? Will she have to be wheeled around?

No doctors dare to commit.

My university classmate Sasa - who had not met Stanley in person but has heard many saucy stories through me - wrote this after learning about Mrs Ong's plight.

"Sasa to Stanley: Not easy caring for a sick parent. Been through that and it was tough. Hope your mum recovers well".

When I copied and pasted that message to Stanley - who knows Sasa as my wealthy classmate with her designer apartment - he replied me with an icon of a beating heart.

My poor Stanley.

He hadn't even had time to reply me in full sentences of late, what more make time to meet us.

Part of me feels really bad that I am not by his side given that I'm sometimes bound by COVID laws in Singapore so I make myself absent so that Stanley doesn't need to worry about overcrowding at the hospital. 

And I'm guilty that the only comfort I can give him is limited.

Which got me thinking about how I can be a more supportive friend.

Thankfully, there's J my loveable partner. 

In J's words, the role of a supportive friend is not to keep asking and asking and asking about a situation.

Just because we text someone every day asking "how are things" doesn't make it easier for the person nor automatically makes us supportive.

In fact, it makes things worse, J says.

"Imagine after a long day and you get such messages and you have to reply them? Now imagine if Stanley has 10 of such concerned friends... it's not going to help," J said over a video call.

How wise.

Very often, we express our concern too literally, sometimes forgetting that our intense questioning can be overbearing to those we care about.

Yes, the textbook act of posing questions to those we care about can mean that we are concerned.

But at the end of the day, the only person benefiting from feeling good about this, could well be only ourselves, not the ones we care about.

I shared my thoughts with Stanley over one videocall.

He was sitting in his car, spacing out.

"Wow, J is so wise," Stanley said.

"One good way of being supportive to me is really not to keep asking me about my mum.

"Distract me... talk to me about other things.

"Better yet, I appoint you to be my official pimp. Help me arrange one-night-stands. I'm too busy for that now," Stanley says, forcing himself to laugh.

"Tell them the caregiver is sick of his role and the only thing he wants to give now involves his mouth and his hand," Stanley says, inflating and deflating one side of his cheek in slow-mo, along with a coordinated hand movement.

"And tell them the caregiver is tired of giving, and is ready to receive," he added, making an effort to take his phone all the way to his buttocks to make his point.

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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people

Greys Anatomy

It's official. 

I have entered a grey area in my life.

And it's in black and white. 

Of late, I'd been studying my grey strands to no end, documenting this unavoidable stage of my life.

The sides of my hair first started greying in my mid-thirties, just as the family genes meant it to be.

My mum says her crowning glory went downhill at that age too, and going by historical data, I will have a head full of white hair by age 55. 

While I am aware of my family genes, I honestly hadn't realised how quickly my hair had changed colour over the years.

It was as if Age crept up to my bedside in the middle of one night and playfully poked a hole in my hair, letting its black lusture leak out slowly.

Stanley my sex bunny friend, of course, had something to say about this analogy. 

"If anyone wants to creep up to your bedside in the middle of the night and playfully poke at you that results in something to leak out, I don't see why you should be so upset about it," he typed in our WhatsApp group chat. 

Carl the dense one, who is also in that group chat, was trying to get to the root of the conversation.

Carl is that one friend we all have: The one who would innocently offer bak kut teh to Razak at the school canteen, the one who would march to the wrong rhythm in a moving platoon, the one who would heartily congratulate a fat colleague for being pregnant. 

"So, who came to your room that night, Adam?" was where Carl managed to conclude. 

If I so much as to skip the hair-dyeing at the salon, my hair would look like it's printed from a copier that is urgently running out of black ink. 

And because I'm really bad at all things D-I-Y, I had never bothered to dye my hair on my own (save for the one time that I bought a bright blonde dye and asked my sister to help me with it when we were in our late teens).

Recently, I stopped dyeing at the salon because of COVID.

That was when my true colours were revealed. 

"Adam, you look like you're 50," Carl said clearly and plainly, when he saw photos of my greying hair.

"You can start telling people you are 65, so that they can praise you for looking young," added Stanley who is always an expert when it comes to doing things backwards. 

Carl posted a gif of a pouting baby to convey empathy. 

Incapable of reading the mood in the group chat, Carl said "you know, the other day, I was buying food from the hawker stall when the Uncle called me Xiao Di".

Not missing a beat, Stanley who has always been jealous of Carl's youthful genes, replied: "And how old was the Uncle? 400?"

I've obviously aged through the years thanks to those cruel 10-year-challenge photos I'm forced to do on social media but I've come to accept this natural progress. 

Plus, I'm already happily attached to my lovely partner J who tells me he didn't fall in love with me because of my gorgeous looks. 

"Wow, that's so sweet," Carl said genuinely, obviously failing to read the situation accurately again.

"Ouch, sister," Stanley said, managing to read between the lines (Stanley is an expert at all things in between).

In the beginning, I was really uncomfortable with my current look.

I don't want to look my age.

But slowly, I began to have two minds about looking like a 400-year-old Uncle.

Some gay friends who had seen my recent photos on social media privately tell me I look good as a silver fox. 

"The look suits you' I relayed that message to the group. To which, Stanley promptly responded clearly and plainly: "Yes, because you ARE old".

I've also started weighing the pros and cons of just proudly wearing my new daddy look.

While I am thankful I still have a head full of hair and that my body is in the correct shape, I have honestly aged over the years. 

So if I were to continue lying and dyeing, I may come across as trying too hard. 

Besides, if I were to fully embrace my greying look, I can always tell the world that I am ageing with grace, I told the group.

I was almost sure Carl would be wondering who Grace was when he said: "Adam, you're ageing with Greys!"

Stanley immediately posted a gif of a black woman clapping merrily.

Not wanting to be outdone, Stanley said "And that can be a very sexy thing. They don't call it 50 shades of Grey for nothing".

 

 

 

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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people

The Halfway Mark

This isn't exactly life-changing info, but guys, it's the halfway mark of 2021.

Carl the dense one looked up from his plate, completely horrified at this revelation. 

True to form, Carl remarked loudly: "Wow, guys. I didn't realise!"

Stanley the sex bunny -- who's never stingy with retorts and sarcasm -- rolled his eyes and said: "Wow, I didn't realise too," adding, "thank you Sherlock."

"Why are you so nasty, Stan. What made you like this?" 

Guilty, Stanley shrugged and blamed it on COVID.

"It's the virus, I swear," he said pointing upwards accusingly at unseen germs. "COVID and lockdown are making me very sarcastic with all this pent up energy."

Carl pouted emphatically and forked another piece of juicy meat that looks too big for his mouth. 

I eyed Stanley cautiously to see if he would make any unsavoury joke about Carl's hand-to-mouth action and thankfully, the fella didn't bite.

Instead, Stanley carried on with the topic of the day.

Six months into what initially seemed could be a hopeful year, a year of vaccines and possible reopening, and here we are, still fighting the virus, still tied down by the effects.

I remember chatting with my boys -- virtually -- at the start of 2021, each of us hoping that the world would get its act together and finally get rid of this virus. 

And though we weren't firm believers -- or followers -- of New Year Resolutions, we made them anyway. 

I for one, have no complaints given that for me, it's a case of so far so good: Putting one foot in front of another, making slow but sure progress to the rest of my year, whether in terms of work or personal life. 

As for Stanley, he feels relatively accomplished. 

He had made it a point to eat more healthily and has, for the last six months, embarked on a culinary transformation journey, starting to buy nutritious food and meal-prep for the week.

"And I feel lighter and fitter," he said in his zoom window, crunching into his KFC drumstick. 

Carl and I exchanged looks. 

Stanley took two more bites of the crispy carcass, and breathed deeply. 

"Stop judging me, Adam!" Stanley snapped without any provocation. "Why are you so nasty. What made you like this?" he barked. 

Carl nervously pointed in the air at unseen germs.

Our dense friend's New Year Resolution progress is also stalled. 

For his new year goal, Carl had painstakingly planned for bigger biceps.

But with his routine again disrupted by COVID lockdowns, his biceps have deflated as did his mood. 

"I miss working out in a gym," Carl said.

"I seriously don't think I am disciplined enough to follow through these home workout videos."

So Carl shelved his beefing up plans and while waiting for the doors of gyms to reopen, has now found a new hobby: Watching Korean dramas on Netflix. 

"It's actually quite timely you mentioned this halfway mark, Adam," Stanley admitted. 

It's really important that we take stock of what we've achieved so far and what needs to be done moving forward," he said in between more mouthfuls of chicken.

"Because, okay, if you must ask, I've caved in to unhealthy eating once again."

Carl nodded with understanding. And then he let out a yelp of laughter. 

"Carl, stop watching Korean dramas!" Stanley barked, showing us how halfway-chewed KFC chicken looked like.

Guilty, Carl smiled and reasoned "this is the cliff hanger episode."

"All Korean dramas are the same," Stanley snapped. "They all involve pretty but angsty villains who won't hesitate to slap or tear your K-pop hair apart. And they always have two feuding families -- one extremely wealthy, the other, dirt-poor but always happy for whatever reason. And somewhere in the plot, there's always a mixup of babies into another family, or someone trying to keep up with their secret identities."

Carl opened his mouth wide, impressed. 

"Like I said, we need to reassess our goals for 2021 to see if we should review them," Stanley said, more for himself than me. Carl had gone back to staring and smiling at his iPad, fully mesmerised by the world of Netflix. 

For Stanley the overachiever, any goal he sets, he needs to meet. 

He's the type where if he could, he would study very hard the night before his medical exam just so he can ace it. 

But it's more important in the current context, Stanley reasons. 

When you feel like you're controlled by all these external conditions like COVID and lockdowns, you feel like you have to achieve your own plans with your own effort.

"Plus, we can't travel!" Stanley moaned.

"Yes! Korea! I want to go Korea!" Carl cheered. 

"But first, I need to work on the second half of the year and get it right," Carl said, squeezing his deflated biceps.

"So that when I go to Korea, I'll be at my best. The bigger, the better," said the gym rabbit.

"I hear ya, gurl. Me too. Only the best in Korea. The bigger the better," said the sex bunny. 

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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people