"Just because the clock strikes 12, just because you turn the page of a calendar, just because it's Jan 1 doesn't mean your life will reset for the better. So if 2019 sucked, your 2020 will suck too. There's no such thing as an automatic renewal in your life if you don't do anything about it. So suck it up."
How true.
Stanley's life in 2020 will continue to suck, given that he's been consistently sucking in 2019.
So, all you men out there, watch out. Stanley's gonna suck 'em all up.
Last I checked, Stanley's Facebook post received 216 likes and a string of comments that ranged from "well said" to "what's wrong, bro"?
But what Stanley says makes perfect sense.
Making New Year Resolutions - while a forward-looking concept - is passe.
Year after year, we aspire to be better versions of ourselves.
Year after year, that tends to fail.
Because those who wait until Jan 1 to make changes aren't really motivated to change.
If you want to introduce something good in your life, why wait?
There's no need to pick an auspicious date to be Marie Kondo, Stanley argues, setting his cup of mocha latte - his favourite afternoon drink - on the wooden table of Coffee Bean at Rail Mall.
"Yah, if you want to drag, or change sex, or buy a condo just do it," said Carl who obviously has no idea who Marie Kondo is.
For Carl our dense friend, who still has trouble listing - and spelling - all the months in a year, New Year Resolutions mean nothing to him.
In fact, a lot of things mean nothing to Carl, who we suspect is really a five-year-old boy trapped inside the muscular body of an adult male.
Stanley my libido-driven friend on the other hand, traps muscular bodies of adult males.
But back to resolutions.
Let's own up.
How many of us here have had resolutions made but not fulfilled?
I'll start.
In one of my resolutions, I had aspired to eat healthy meals... salads, boiled meat, no carbs.
On Day Four, I succumbed to a large packet of fries (true story).
Stanley too, had, believe it or not, attempted to stay off One Night Stands.
He eventually gave in to a large package (true story too).
Carl had, a few years ago, resolved to increase the intensity of his gym workouts.
And to his credit, he did end up quite large, so good for him.
That afternoon, for the sake of reflection, I ask the boys what they'd changed in their lives that made them quite proud.
Stanley raised his hand immediately to answer.
"Sex partners."
Carl, who had scrunched his eyebrows like he'd been giving my question some serious thought, eventually changed his mind and picked up his fork and began gently poking at our table's carrot cake.
Truth be told, at the ripe old age of 40 - actually 41, if you go by calendar year - I don't have much on my achievement scroll.
True, I'm not exactly a loser.
I have a job which I love. I have J whom I love. I have the boys whom I love.
And I generally love my life.
But these are elements in my life that just happen in my life.
It's not as if I sat down on Dec 31 and said, okay, one day, I aim to meet the man of my life and live happily ever after.
Carl turned pale at that thought.
Our macho friend, who had been single for a while since he broke up, looked despondent and continued turning to the carrot cake to ease his pain.
Stanley jumped in at this point.
How about we take this New Year Resolution shit a little more seriously, he suggested.
I mean, there's no harm trying right? Okay, Adam, you start the ball rolling.
And so, there and then at Rail Mall over drinks and cakes, the boys and I got down to business.
At the top of my list is good health, I say, helping myself to a large forkful of creamy carrot cake, my favourite pick-me-up.
"I don't know what sort of list your is," Stanley interrupts. "My list contains actual names and phone numbers and all are tops," he says, revealing his type of pick-me-ups.
"So to do that," I said, looking only at Carl so that I can block out Stanley and his nonsense, "I'm going to eat healthily and do a full body check up this year."
"I love full body check ups," Stanley says inserting his face in my line of vision.
"Some full body checkups lead to very happy endings. I can quote you some examples from some of my favourite films," he says with a threat.
I continued looking at Carl, who nods sagely in an attempt to show that he understands what's going on, and that he cares about the conversation.
My next aim this year, I say to the group, is to make more friends.
Since being posted overseas, living alone in a foreign land proved to be lonely.
Although I'm back in Singapore for a year-end trip, I'm going to have to soon return to Myanmar where I'm based, leaving behind my partner J and my loved ones Stanley and Carl.
Stanley made the sign of the cross at my sombre, obituary tone.
So, socially, I aim to build new networks and establish closer ties with people.
"Amen," Stanley says, approving any sort of networking attempts.
And is your New Year Resolution to be more holy, I ask Stanley.
Not wanting to disappoint, Sister Stanley made the sign of the cross dutifully.
Meanwhile, Carl is busy attending to our carrot cake, making the delicious morsel slowly disappear.
"What's your New Year Resolution, Carl?"
Our dense friend looked up and flashed me a cream-filled smile in response, his eyes filled with childlike bliss.
I looked to Stanley who immediately made the sign of the cross on cue, this time, reaching a hand in front of Carl to say "May our friend this year be aware, be aware, be aware of all things happening around him!"
When Stanley was done with his dramatic expression, he took a sip of his mocha latte, a visual cue that he's switching to serious mode.
"My New Year Resolution is to buy a flat this year," he said seriously.
Stanley had been house hunting in the last year but his plans were forced to be on hold after he was retrenched.
Now that he's back in the workforce, Stanley's new strategy is to go easy - a principle which some of us hope can be applied to his sex life too, but let's not go there.
So instead of pouring his pot of gold into a condo unit, he's decided to first get an HDB flat, pay off the whole thing, then buy a condo unit if he has spare cash.
"That's really good, Carl says, licking his fork.
"That's my financial plan," Stanley said in a firm voice as if he were presenting a White Paper to a council of economists.
At the corner of my eye, I saw Carl scratch his scalp before proceeding to suspiciously sniff his fingers.
"As for my other resolutions," Stanley said, determined not to be distracted by Carl, "I shall aspire to be less vain."
Carl froze in mid finger-sniffing and turned to Stanley curiously.
"Yes, you heard me right," Stanley said, adding sternly "and stop doing that, Carl."
"I am so vain that I realise these days, I can't help staring in the mirror - and it's gotten to a point where I think is unhealthy."
"So I'll make it a point to stop looking into the mirror and stop being so obsessed with myself."
Carl literally stopped whatever he was doing and looked like he's having a very tough time deciding between further engaging Stanley or his fingers.
He eventually chose his fingers and proceeded to sniff them with abandon.
I didn't know what to make of Stanley's resolution.
But apparently, he'd done quite a bit of reflection to reach this stage.
"I mean, seriously," Stanley said.
"I had been working very hard in the gym to maintain my lean physique," he said, patting his flat abs with love.
Carl responded with a toothy grin and began patting his own python-sized biceps.
Awww, look at the two of them bonding in this special way after all these years.
"And so I'm seriously going to not check myself out at every opportunity," Stanley said, breaking the momentary trance he had Carl shared.
"I get upset every time I stare at my abs, thinking that I'd put on weight and that my abs are not as defined as a few days ago. It's that bad," Stanley says.
Carl hadn't stopped patting his swollen biceps.
Turning his attention to Carl, Stanley said: "And your resolution should be to stop working so much on your upper body - and start building muscles on your bloody skinny legs."
Carl pouted at that comment.
"And if you need any sort of motivation, I'm here to help okay," Stanley said encouragingly putting his arms around both of us.
"I'm an expert in reaching my goals," and then turning to Carl in particular, "my specialty and interests are shaping body parts below the waist."
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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people
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