And Stanley Ong my sex bunny friend has voted.
"This one, I don't mind. I approve," Stanley said licking his lips and reaching for another handful of Kettle chips (honey mustard).
"This one too -- but I think he seriously needs to lose his paunch. And his pants. I honestly don't mind, 'cos he has such a baby face."
It's the one night when almost all of Singapore stayed up and stayed glued to the screen to watch national TV for once, and not Netflix.
On polling night, Stanley and I were at Carl our dense friend's condo to watch the real-life drama develop.
Stanley was exceptionally excited. The election show is one show he doesn't mind staying up to watch, the way he would stay up at night to watch Asian porn, which Stanley argues are similar.
There's group action, there's one-on-one action, they all lead to a climax, and eventually, there'll be a clear division of the top and bottom role.
The show, expected to start at 8pm but ended up being broadcast at 10pm, really spoilt our plans.
Carl was most disappointed.
He had timed our pizza delivery orders such that at exactly 8pm sharp, we could sink our teeth into pipping hot chilli crab flavoured pizza and take a swig of ice-cold beer (Little Creatures -- Carl said it has no calories) and start commentating on newscasters and their clothes, the stupid things they'd say, and hopefully, catch some exhausted reporter tripping on their lines and making memes out of them.
For Stanley, his focus is way sharper.
He wants to endorse candidates not just by what they can bring to the table, but also by what they can potentially bring to the bed.
"I don't need you to be my voice in Parliament -- I just want to whisper lovingly into your ear," Stanley said, singling out one young candidate whose photo he produced on his phone.
"I love some of the new faces that the parties are fielding this time -- young and supple and I definitely want them to take care of me during this crisis, hug me lovingly and shield me from the harsh downturn from this pandemic," says Stanley, now looking straight into the TV screen and speaking directly to the young, handsome candidates.
For Stanley, what's important is not the COVID-19 or jobs package. It's the package that matters.
"I think this fella has a big tool," Stanley would say, just as the newscaster says something serious and political over the candidate's footage.
Carl, who has no interest -- nor knowledge -- on Singapore politics whatsoever, is still enjoying the night.
Any gathering is a good gathering to our dense friend, who would delve deep into party politics -- from his glassware and snacks choices, right down to what time he plans for the pizza man to arrive.
That night, the three of us sat and ate snacks as we zestfully took part in the making of Singapore.
"He has nice big arms -- I like," Carl said, referring to one young candidate whose half-naked photo was circulated online.
Stanley agrees, but points out that he prefers another older candidate who looks like his hairy arms can fend off enemies one minute, and protectively spoon you from behind and cuddle you to sleep the next minute.
"I've always enjoyed scrutinising the PAP candidates very carefully," Stanley said the moment the boring analysts started talking. "Given that in my sec school days, I've always found SJI boys very cute, I find myself gravitating towards them... and my eyes too, will gravitate towards their buttocks 'cos, sometimes, if you stare hard enough, you can see the colour of their underwear."
Carl spurted out his Little Creatures and starting coughing.
As the night went on, more drama unfolded.
Ooooo... Workers' Party won Sengkang!
This new breakout star is kinda cute no, I said.
Stanley immediately agrees.
Carl, who has no idea whom we're talking about, began to frantically google search for some answer but true to his pigeon-like attention span, got distracted by a WhatsApp message followed by Candy Crush.
"I think Jamus reminds me of an endearing, eager-to-please retriever," Stanley concluded, adding "and I want him to sit! give me your hand! and roll over!".
I was scared to ask Stanley what he meant.
"I truly want to know to what extent Jamus means when he says he wants to serve his residents."
Eventually, Stanley grew tired of ogling at the male candidates and turned his attention on other things.
At one point, Stanley morphed into Mean Girls mode, commenting that one of the new female candidates looked like a giant teapot.
"Dear PAP, when you want to field a political heavyweight, you shouldn't go by a person's BMI," Stanley said to the TV.
Even the innocent show guests weren't spared.
"Can someone tell the political analyst that he looks ridiculous in his half-Safari; half-batik outfit? He looks like someone you'd find at the entrance of an Indonesian restaurant."
As night turned into near dawn, Carl started fidgeting like a child getting impatient at an arthouse movie his parents brought him to.
"Shh, take this bottle and play with it," Stanley said to Carl dismissively, brushing him off as he focused on listening to more election results.
Carl was confused but clearly hesitant to clarify with Stanley exactly what he means by play with the bottle.
At long last, seven hours later, the show came to an end with the PAP winning 83 of 93 seats.
As we wrapped up the night at Carl's, Stanley echoed what our prime minister had been asking for: Voters' strong mandate.
"I totally can understand why PM wants a strong mandate," Stanley said seriously.
"I think any man date who is strong is very promising."
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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people
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