Stanley my sex bunny friend had been busy of late.
He'd been going in and out of bedrooms and meeting quite a sizeable number of lean, sexy handymen.
"Dear God, I have always dreamt of this scenario, but I never imagined it'd be this tedious," he said to Carl and I the other day.
Renovation work is no joke.
Not when it's done during COVID.
The on-again, off-again reno work on Stanley's new flat had been slow and painful.
Thankfully, Stanley wasn't in a hurry to move out since his parent's place is a three-storey mansion with a basement, and that his room was the entire attic.
Come to think of it, it's no wonder Stanley lives in the attic -- all creepy things happen in attics, according to Hollywood plots.
"Hunny, not just creepy things," Stanley the sex bunny corrected. "Many things can happen in an attic too -- and they are similarly rated R21," Stanley said, unable to help himself.
"What are we talking about," Carl the dense one asked eagerly, hoping to learn one more new thing this world has to offer.
Stanley ignored him and said: "Shh. This is my moment."
"Welcome to my bachelor pad," he beamed like a proud parent.
Carl put down bags of Stanley's belongings and cheered on cue.
Finally, the day has come.
After a delayed journey to getting his own place due to retrenchment, after months of searching for the apartment, and after delay after delay of renovation thanks to COVID, today is the day.
Stanley is finally moving in to his new apartment.
To mark the occasion, Stanley had gone to a fengshui master to get auspicious dates (which is a first for Stanley -- he usually turns to grindr and tinder, not a fengshui master, to find auspicious dates, but that's story for another day).
Today, we focus on Stanley and his very beautiful home.
"3, 2, 1," Stanley said, and rolled the lumpy pineapple from the main door.
Carl put his python-size arms to good use to produce sounds of applause which I suspect the entire block could hear.
I clapped alongside Stanley who started to frown.
"The pineapple didn't go all the way in," said Stanley, who is genetically built to be very concerned about things not going all the way in.
The trend -- and I use the word trend and not tradition -- of rolling a pineapple into your house on the day you move in is a very Singaporean thing.
The hokkien word for pineapple rhymes with "incoming luck" so every Chinese person I know would do just that when they move into their new homes -- to roll the tropical fruit into their home, suggesting -- and hoping -- that the very action would inspire actual luck to roll into the new place.
Carl the dense one said: "When it's my turn, I want to roll a dumbbell."
It was exactly 3.15pm and it was the stipulated time Stanley's fengshui master had said was a good moment to step into his new home.
Carl and I stepped in and watched Stanley get busy with a series of tasks.
Apparently, the fengshui master had instructed him to immediately turn on the stove to boil some water to make sweet Chinese desserts.
Carl looked at Stanley, then to me, quizzically.
"This sybmoblises that my house will be a place where water will start and fire will grow," Stanley said, repeating what the fengshui master conveyed to him.
"Erm, they sound like natural disasters to me," I say.
Carl looked even more confused. So much so that he had to sit down and start playing Candy Crush on his phone.
"I'm supposed to make you guys dessert so that I start off staying at this new place on the right note!" Stanley screamed.
"Sweet!" chimed Carl's Candy Crush game. "Tasty!".
As Stanley busied himself defrosting tang yuan bought from NTUC days before today's formal moving in, and sliding pandan leaves into the boiling pot, I took in the beautiful apartment that spells Stanley.
"Stan, your place has your essence," I said.
Carl looked uncomfortable with my latest statement, suddenly wary that he's sitting on a sofa that could have stains of Stanley's essence.
"Right? Stanley said from his open air kitchen. "I made sure my favourite colour green is promptly featured."
Relived, Carl sat back down and continued crushing candy.
Stanley's ID had indeed done a good job.
Well, strictly speaking, Stanley had done a good job managing his ID.
"Who knew I could be so good with micromanaging," Stanley the size queen said, stressing the word micro with a suggestive tone.
The ID had very masterfully created a beautiful home for Stanley, just the way he wanted it.
His three-bedroom flat was turned into a two-bedroom flat.
Stanley had knocked down walls to reconfigure his space such that he has an extended living and dinning area, all the better to host parties.
His wooden dining table was inspired by mine -- one that's grand and long enough to host the last supper. Then again, for Stanley, the selling points were wood, grand and long.
His kitchen, where Stanley is currently adding brown sugar to the tang yuan, is open-concept, designed to also suit his future hobbies of baking cookies and cakes (yes, he hasn't baked an actual cookie or cake in his entire life but Stanley figured it would be trendy to whip up desserts in his new place).
Our vain friend also has a walk-in closet and a very big bathroom that, if he chooses to, can fit a mattress to house two homeless people.
One thing I love about Stanley's place is that his large living room windows open up to the greenery that's Queens Close.
Stanley had thoughtfully designed seating areas by his long panel of windows and I can easily imagine the three of us sipping wine and gazing into the greenery just metres away from Stanley's flat.
It helps too that Stanley spent a mini fortune on indoor plants, which are strategically placed in all corners of his bachelor pad approved by his fengshui master.
Simply put, I love Stanley's new place.
And I can see that he loves his new place a lot too.
Stanley was smiling to himself as he scooped up the tang yuan into three mini bowls.
Carl moved on from the world of virtual candies to the reality of Stanley's sweet treats and remarked "I love it, Stan. Your dessert, your place, everything!"
"I can't believe that finally, I have moved in!" Stanley said squealing like a girl on prom night.
That afternoon, the three of us spent our time clinking our glasses and munching on cheese and grapes, enjoying the very first day of Stanley's new chapter in life.
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