If there's a preview of what hell is like, I think I'm in it.
A dining hall filled with at least two screaming toddlers, one baby making nasal wailing sounds from a pram and the collective excited chatter of kids aged between 5 and 10.
I may have god kids but I am not a huge fan of children, to be honest.
"One gay man's hell is another gay man's heaven," Stanley the sex bunny pointed out.
Carl the dense one looked at Stanley and delivered a punch to his shoulder.
"Don't say such things. People are gonna think all gay men are paedophiles," I said.
"You're right," Stanley agreed quickly. "Not all gay men are paedophiles. But all paedophiles are gay men," he added.
Carl and I each took a step further from Stanley who on some days are known for his loose lower body parts, and today, known for his loose upper body part that is his mouth.
The three of us were in Ikea Alexandra and of all times, we chose a Sunday morning to be there.
It was like recess time at a school tuckshop except the kids are out of control. These Ikea parents have absolutely no authority over their offspring.
Soon, we set our trays of food down -- comprising the quintessential Swedish meatballs, grilled salmon and deep fried chicken wings -- and began passing cutlery around.
"I just love meatballs," Stanley said without anyone asking, as he stared lovingly at a young daddy with a crew cut nearby.
We were unsure if Stanley was appreciating his morsel or the daddy's muscle but I didn't want to ask.
All I wanted to do was to cure my hunger pangs and then go look at whatever cheap items I can buy for my new home.
Right now though, I'm bothered by the hunger bangs at the next table.
A human child less than 2-metres away (which mean he's within my slapping range if I snap) is busy thumping his tiny, chubby hands on the table. He appears to be around four years old, is obviously restless and hungry, but honestly can afford to skip a meal or two.
What bothers me is that despite his dining tantrums, his parents aren't at all bothered. They were both staring into their respective phones and chewing their food nosily.
"Basic Punggol straight people," Stanley uttered under his breath.
Basic Punggol straight people, explains Stanley, are your most basic Singaporean couples.
They're young, and not exactly super rich yet so they depend a lot on government subsidies to buy their first BTO flat which is almost always in Punggol, Singapore's heterosexual couples' property dumping ground.
Usually, these basic Punggol straight couples are in their early 30s. The woman often goes by a pretentious English name like Chantel to mask her hideous real name like "Tan Bee Leng". She is always pale looking, sports long, rebonded hair, and is skinny. She typically speaks only English with a thick Singaporean accent and can't string a word of Mandarin. She would wear spaghetti strap tops and tiny denim cutoffs and address her husband as "Dear" and give her child a trendy name like "Jayden".
The husband, on the other hand, is far simpler. He would usually be fair skinned (because he stays away from the sun and spends most time gaming in his room) and has faded looks: His once boyish features would be marred by the burden of marriage, so he usually has double chin, a slight belly or is out of shape somewhere. His basic Punggol attire is a worn-out army singlet and a pair of Uniqlo bermudas.
You have given this some thought, I pointed out.
Stanley smirked.
If he were an FBI profiler, his sketch book would be filled with extremely detailed drawings given how he loves profiling people. Carl the dense one, if he were an FBI profiler, would have far more empty pages in his sketch book and those that are actually filled would comprise kiddish drawings of people: A simple circle for a head and thin, linear lines to illustrate body and limbs.
Stanley fundamentally dislikes these basic Punggol types because he views them as beneficiaries of the government's housing policies.
They take full advantage of cheap housing in Punggol where they'd do up with your basic Japandi or Wabi Sabi style. Five years later, they sell it off and then make a profit from the transaction and go on to buy a condo in yet another heterosexual property dumping ground (Sengkang) and think they've made it in life.
But I digress.
The reason I can't shift my focus away from kids is really because not too long ago, I had a discussion with a friend who is thinking of adopting.
M is a high earner in an MNC and his partner -- an American born Filipino -- is equally wealthy.
They'd been together for nearly five years and now, M's partner wants to adopt a child.
"Why would you want that?!" Stanley yelped at that thought.
"Exactly my point," I said, now distracted by another human child whose chocolate sauce by the side of his mouth is drying and crusting, and is clapping for no reason.
Many gay couples of our generation enjoy the benefits of being gay. Just ask Stanley who's calendar is filled with not only what to do but whom to do.
Most gay people are also wealthy 'cos we're smart, motivated and driven so we tend to be great in our careers (which also translates to a certain level of income).
And so, many of us can flaunt our wealth or simply spend freely.
Which is mind-boggling to us when a gay couple choose to give that up and start an adoption process.
To kickstart the process of adoption, it's $50,000, I relayed that information to the boys. And that's even before that kid comes into your life!
Carl the dense one immediately whipped out his phone to do some basic calculation.
Stanley also took out his phone to do some counting. "Eight people within 0 metres range," he reported after his quick Grindr investigation.
I mean, when I look at straight couples, I get it. The core principle of their beliefs is a marriage between man and woman and because they put their private parts together where they belong, it's only natural that they follow the reproduction journey and start families and have babies and live in one noisy family unit.
Gay people... I don't get it.
Stanley, in one of his sober moments, later explained why more gay people are thinking of adopting.
Over the decades, gay men have fought to be seen. Fought to not be discriminated against. In the early days, people marched for their rights.
Modern day campaigns now revolve around anti-discrimination policies at work, freedom to love, abolishment of Section 377A, and even pushing for same-sex marriage.
And so, it's only a matter of time that this trend of same-sex parenting would creep up in gay people's radar.
We took decades to normalise gay relationships. Look at where we are today, Stanley said.
The same goes for same-sex parenting -- now's the time when the seeds of these ideas are planted so that our next generation can start to look at gay families as normal.
Carl the dense one looked at Stanley with respect.
I digested his wise words.
And then, Stanley spoke again.
"Speaking of planting seeds... I really want to do some serious digging and ploughing with him," he said, looking at the same young daddy with the crew cut.
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