The X Factor

Having just written about finding love and relationships in my last post, I feel it's timely to look back at my past.

Past relationships.

Ex-es.

And that got me thinking about them.

Azman and Larry.

And because they've been such a distant past in my life, when I do think of them today, I feel numb.

Stanley my sex bunny friend whom I'd known for nearly 20 years now, coincidentally also has two ex-es: Joshua and Ash.

And when he thinks about them today, Stanley too, feels numb - though for very different reasons from mine.

"These two gorgeous ex-es of mine are now behind me," Stanley would say. "I now have other men behind me."

But today, this post is about my ex-es.

Let's begin with Azman.

Azman, Azman.

Whenever I was with Azman, my heart would race.

We were in the same CCA (or ECA in my time): Track and Field.

Azman and I were both sprinters and training together had been very distracting for me.

By age 15, Azman and I looked quite alike physically but that boyish face of his belongs to a cherubic angel.

He had a cute mop of wild, curly hair, sharp features - big eyes, long lashes - and an impish smile that showed off a crooked tooth.

Stanley who had seen Azman's photos approves.

"You got me at big and long - and a little bit of crookedness and wild curly hair are perfectly acceptable," Stanley famously said to me circa 1999 when I described Azman shortly before showing Stanley an actual glossy photo.

Though Azman is every mat and minah's wet dream, he turned out to be my worst nightmare.

I had never imagined that a good looking sports jock would be such a drama queen.

While I gave up eating pork for Azman, he chose not to give up smoking for me.

Which is okay.

Eventually, his true colours emerged after our rosy honeymoon dating period.

Azman easily got jealous of me and would kick up a huge fuss whenever I hung out with my friends.

He's always suspicious of girls or boys around me and he would forbid me to socialise.

The most ridiculous part was he would get jealous of my grades and would focus on beating me at track and field and would be so damn aggressive about it that it really becomes very ugly.

Oh, and Azman has depression.

He attributes that to family problems, but it eventually became my problem too.

Azman was constantly thinking of ways to hurt himself and had been suicidal.

The four years of my youthful life with Azman were burdensome.

Why didn't anyone warn me that first loves with the handsome school jock would have such a twist?

After trying very hard to be an understanding and supportive boyfriend, and for trying not to get a nervous breakdown whenever Azman calls and threatens to kill himself after every quarrel, I decided enough was really enough.

The drama has to end, and when I finally ended it, the irony was that the true fairytale ending came when we broke up.

I was, for the first time in a long time, happy.

In year 2000, I welcomed pork back into my life.

And apparently, pigs too, in Stanley's words.

That was one of the harshest things Stanley said about Larry my next boyfriend.

Well, Larry isn't exactly a swine in that sense - he's very, very, very nice - but let's face it, Larry isn't a looker.

He was short and in Stanley's words, "delightfully plump".

And Larry was old.

A good decade older than I.

Why had I decided to get together with Larry?

In retrospect, it was really a result of Azman.

After I became single, what I learnt from dating Azman was to never fall for someone based on how handsome he is - because after a while, that angelic face, upon descending from heaven, can morph into Satan.

But I wouldn't go as far to say that I had gone the extreme by dating Larry.

I mean, striking good looks isn't something you'd describe Larry with but his personality... oh, that's winning.

No doubt.

Larry is gentle, thoughtful, wise, mature and most importantly, takes care of me.

Everything that Azman isn't, Larry is.

Stanley would always say that dating Larry had been my biggest mistake because he said I was just bouncing back from Azman and is using Larry to correct a dark part of my life.

I vehemently rejected those suggestions back then, but today, I stand firm and bow my head low to say, Stanley was right.

I had indeed chosen to get together with Larry - who looks too young to be my dad but too old to be my brother - because I had allowed my experience with Azman to dictate how my next boyfriend must be: The exact opposite of my ex.

Larry was a very, very nice boyfriend to me.

For a change, I didn't have to pay a single cent whenever we went out. Larry would drive me around,  buy me nice gifts though I didn't ask for them and would actually encourage me to do well in life instead of competing with me or pouring cold water on my achievements.

But deep down, I didn't really love Larry.

But having dated Azman followed by Larry turned out to be the biggest love lessons of my life.

Azman taught me to never be drawn only to good looks - because looks isn't everything.

In a way, in a very twisted and dark way, Azman taught me to be patient and caring even in the face of extreme unreasonableness. Azman has also taught me that jealousy will take you nowhere, and most importantly, you have to bring out the best of your partner and not turn him into a worse version of himself.

Larry on the other hand taught me somewhat similar things.

That beyond good looks, it's what's inside that counts. Larry had shown me so much love during our short relationship that I have in turn, learnt how to love.

And although my next - and current - partner J is the best of both worlds to me, I shall not write about J.

'Cos this post is about ex-es.

My ex-es.

And I think that some things happen for a reason.

Those two men had given me nuggets of wisdom knowingly or unknowingly.

And with renewed wisdom, I am forever grateful.

I shared this with Stanley who only said that he always appreciates men who would give him their nuggets.

"Moral of story," Stanley said, "is that there is no happily ever after.... so, always focus on the happy endings. Because orgasms can solve all problems in life."

In loving memory of my ex-es Azman (1996 - 2000); Larry (2000 - 2001).
Thank you for your love.



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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people