And Stanley my sex bunny friend is certainly not entertained by them.
In fact, in Stanley's world, entertainment is not defined by engaging in conversations because actions speak louder than words.
And when Stanley is speaking during actions, it's always very loudly, often expressed using a variety of vocalising techniques from moaning and groaning to emitting high-octave squeals inspired by crying girls in Jap porn movies.
"Why do people want to know about other people's hobbies," asked Carl the dense one -- whose only hobby is pumping iron in the gym -- taking a sip of his protein shake while resting in between his home workout.
"Exactly. Amen, sister," Stanley replied, raising his glass of red wine in his bedroom.
"It's 9am, Stan," I exclaimed into our group video call. "Why the heck are you drinking this early?"
"I'm Catholic, girl," Stanley snapped back, as if his by-birth religion gives him the birth right to drink.
"We don't call it the holy spirits for nothing," he reasoned.
"Plus, Jesus endorses alcohol. We are the only religion that drinks wine in sacred ceremonies. Some Taoists do too -- but they always spit out the wine unto lit candles to chase away Chinese zombies," said Stanley, professor in Religious Studies.
Carl cocked his head sideways as if he were digesting Stanley's argument, then let out a burp and said "man, this protein shake is filling".
"And," Stanley continued his line of argument.
"Jesus even made miracles by turning water into wine. If wine were harmful, Jesus would have turned the water into Coke Zero or something."
"What's wrong with Coke Zero," Carl the weight watcher asked, insulted by Stanley who's using the name of his favourite drink in vain.
"Anyway, let's not go off topic," says Stanley who started it all and wants to end it all, the way he treats all his potential dates.
"I'm just so fed up with people who can't hold a conversation," said Stanley, who is currently adopting a very safe approach to managing his sex life -- by going on Tinder and Grindr and, if things go well, move on to have cyber sex.
"So I've decided to turn the situation around. When someone asks me what my hobbies are, I'll ask them what their fetishes are -- like, do you drink sperm?"
Carl choked on his final sip of his protein shake, which sparked a series of heckling coughs.
"Eew, go away you disease spreader," Stanley said fanning his arms to clear the air in his own room.
Our Saturday group chat ended unceremoniously.
Later, Stanley's topic got me thinking.
Fetishes.
It's something that is not often talked about.
So I thought, hey, this is something I should write about.
And so I turn to Stanley whom I'm tight buddies with, for further consultation.
"Darling, firstly, may I please suggest you never again coin us as tight buddies, because that's wrong on all levels," Stanley said when I messaged him for blog advice.
"Face it, both of us are no longer tight anymore for reasons you and I are acutely aware of.
"And I can't look at you to think you and I are buddies of any sort because in my dictionary," Stanley said, stressing the dic syllable for effect, "buddies are those who share very exciting benefits."
It's the price I have to pay for consulting Stanley, who never fails to turn anything sexual.
To him, everything is R-rated.
When I was still working in Singapore, our regular Saturday night dinners with Stanley is always a sexual experience.
First there's the harassment of cute waiters (Oh darling, that server's pair of pants is so tight I can hardly breathe) and fellow cute diners (OOooooo, look at that lean daddy -- can dinner be on you?).
And then, Stanley takes it to the next level by even turning inanimate objects into sex.
I simply love spoons and forks.
Is it me or does the leg of that table look like a big, fat dick.
Oh, look at my runny egg yoke... waiter, this cum seems expired -- it's extremley yellow.
But it's worth it.
"All fetishes boil down to childhood experiences or sexual awakenings," said Stanley.
Some people have SM tendencies.
Ohers have soft spots for labourers.
Then are those who have fetishes for cum-eating.
And those who have a kinky liking for women's underwear.
"You name it," Stanley said, as if he were giving an online lecture.
"But these fetishes all are linked to the deepest recesses of our minds."
"Think of the human mind as a house. It has several rooms and in each room, we have storage space: Cabinets, drawers, rusty tin biscuit boxes where your granny keeps cash, and her dildo."
"But some storage spaces can spark off knock-on effects," Stanley said.
I wasn't quite following, but I waited.
"For example, you use the fridge as a storage space for meat. But somehow, that fridge short-circuited so there's no power. Naturally, the meat will rot and it will of course give off toxicity."
"And let's say you have a cardboard box placed on top of the fridge... because of the fridge condensation, that storage box starts to get damp and moist -- which, Adam, in another context can be a really good, sexual thing.
"Eventually, the fridge degenerates and the cardboard box starts to rot and whatever is inside the box also starts to fester," Stanley said.
Think of the fridge and cardboard box as storage for our childhood or early sexual memories... because of the power trip -- which in the real world can be interpreted as any form of experience -- the memories become contaminated."
"For instance... as a child, let's say you caught a glimpse of your cute next-door neighbour boy crush being caned by his dad -- on his bare buttocks. While that is a scary experience, the fact that it's your boy crush being caned and you're seeing his cute buttocks at that is a mix of guilty pleasure.
"Eventually, that forms the root of your future fetish -- SM tendencies because you relate your sexual experience to your early memories."
I was truly enlightened.
"Stan, did you take any psychology modules in uni by any chance," I ask, truly impressed.
"No -- and it's my talent. I can't even say it's common sense because it takes only truly intellectual and sexual people like me to come up with such analysis," said Stanley, who couldn't resist stressing the word anal for effect.
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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people
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