And.... we're online.
After dealing with tech issues -- mic volume, lagging platforms and frozen visuals -- Stanley, Carl and I are finally starting our Zoom dinner.
Thanks to current rules that forbid any type of human interaction, my gay best friends and I have jumped on the bandwagon of catching up and doing all things Zoom.
Zoom work meetings, Zoom drinks, Zoom dinners.
My uni classmate Sasa has taken it to a whole new level, doing Zoom yoga with an instructor who gives tips real-time.
Not to be outdone, Stanley my sex bunny friend invented Zoom dates.
"It's basically going on first dates with your Tinder matches," Stanley explained, setting his table for our Zoom dinner.
"And it's so hot and sexy."
"Think about it. We are meeting for the first time. And we are forced to engage with each other using wits and charm and showing off personalities and intellect. And the fact that intimacy and sex are off the table all the more makes such Zoom dates hot and sexy," Stanley said.
Carl looked up from his table and frowned, clearly starting to worry about our evening's dinner topic.
"Chicken or fish?" Carl said chirpily in an attempt to start dinner on a wholesome note, holding up both deep fried morsels with each hand.
"Spoon or fork?" Stanley the sex bunny responded sultrily.
For dinner, Carl ordered Korean fried chicken (thanks to cravings from his newfound hobby of watching Korean dramas on Netflix) and threw in air-fried fish fingers for variety.
Stanley meanwhile, cooked a one-pot meal for himself, pouring peas, carrots, chopped luncheon meat into his rice cooker.
"I am so talented," Stanley said.
"You should be. All witches are good with their cauldrons," I said dryly.
"If we are witches, then surely I'm Sabrina 'cos I'm so damn hot and sexy. Carl the dense one will be Wendy the Witch who gets all her spells mixed up," Stanley said, pleased with himself.
"You, Adam Lee, will be a classic witch, the type who has a crooked nose and wears a pointed hat and -- Carl, what the heck are you wearing?"
Carl beamed and asked: "Nice?"
"No.... please sit down and never ever prance around in your yellow Sponge Bob Square Pants boxers. Promise me you will burn that vile thing after our Zoom meeting," said Stanley.
Soon, we gathered in front of our computers, ready to start dinner.
It's surreal.
We would never have believed that someday, our friendship would live to see this day, where, instead of hanging out in person at some pretentious eating place, we're each in the comfort -- and safety -- of our own place.
"These days when I get out to buy food, I see so many hot guys, and there's this extra layer of mystery, which makes me want to rip off these cute guys' masks followed by their skimpy army singlets," Stanley said hungrily, officially starting the dinner topic rolling.
Carl, who can talk about sex anytime of the day except during meals, slumped his shoulders dramatically, his python-size biceps throbbing with disapproval.
"What if, after ripping off their masks, you find that they have buck teeth?" Carl asked, hoping to switch gears.
Stanley paused, digesting this food for thought.
"You are right," Stanley said, adding "and this is worth discussing further."
Carl looked at me worriedly
"I think in general, a man has to be judged as a whole -- though some guys are judged as a hole," Stanley said, unable to help himself.
"Think of a man like a test that has different sections. Section A -- the face, comprises 30 marks. Section B -- the body, 70 marks."
"And if you build a good bod, you naturally score full marks for section B so even if you fail Section A miserably and get zero, you still get an A2 for the overall result."
"This is why even if you have an ugly face like Adam's, if you work hard and build up your body, you still can pass your gay looks exam."
Carl immediately put down his fried chicken drumstick, and used his oily fingers to do some mental calculation.
"I don't know what logic or what test this is," I said coldly.
"You didn't attend Gay Academy -- that's why you have no idea what I'm talking about."
Carl stopped counting and looked quizzically at Stanley.
"Every boy who realises he's gay would receive an invitation from his Gay Drag Mother to attend the Gay Academy where he would learn everything, from Fashion 101 to Body Building modules, before choosing his specialty in his final year."
Carl, who loves listening to stories, clapped his greasy hands.
"I scored full marks for every subject in the Gay Academy and I was the top student," Stanley said, dribbling a lone eyebrow suggestively at the word top.
Carl burst out laughing, spewing tiny morsels of chicken bits into the air.
"Carl obviously scored nearly full marks for his Body Building module."
As if on cue, Carl flexed his python size biceps and said excitedly: "Look, I have at least an A2 for Section B!"
"Meanwhile, Adam, you obviously were homeschooled so you skipped all the Year One modules."
"You missed the fashion, body building, skin care and gay pop culture modules obviously. Fortunately for you, you did fairly well for your Year Two gay modules, particularly in the intellectual subjects of arts and literature."
I rolled my eyes and helped myself to a forkful of sambal kangkong.
While we were still on the topic of looks, Stanley paused eating and showed us a graph.
"This is how the Japanese categorise looks," he said, making full use of Zoom's technology to show us his computer screen.
It was a chart that comprises nine drawings:
- Bulky Bison (a rhino)
- Wild bear
- Chubby piggy
- Muscle wolf
- Athlete Kong (a chimpanzee)
- Sporty panther
- Lonely dog (which looks like a cute puppy)
- Cool monkey
- Slim cat
Gay Academy top student Stanley Ong, who scored full marks in Japanese gay pop culture, continued his presentation.
"Generally the Japanese categorise looks using these charts. The most popular types of looks are the Wolfs and Dogs."
"Carl, you're a muscle wolf. I'm a combination of a sporty panther, lonely dog and a cool monkey."
"Adam... you're so unique you're literally out of the box. You belong to none of the above, and therefore, for your own sake, you should never step foot into Japan."
"I partially agree -- Carl is a wolf, but you're somewhat like a dog. A bitch to be exact."
Carl laughed, truly entertained by our exchanges and clapped his greasy hands for the second time of the evening.
Ignoring me, Stanley conjured a photo of a half-naked Japanese man.
He has chiselled cheek bones, nicely trimmed facial hair, defined muscles and large, piercing eyes.
Apparently, this guy's eyes aren't the only things that are large and piercing.
Oh, he's also dead.
"This is Jap porn star Koh Masaki who is a classic example of a wolf," Stanley said.
"I know him!" said Carl the dense one, who cannot name at least three of Singapore's past presidents.
"Sadly, he's dead. Died some years ago," Stanley said, making the sign of the cross.
"I really feel for his partner," I chimed in.
"Yes, it's very sad," said Carl, who carried on biting off the cartilage of his drum stick, making crunchy noises as he chewed.
The late Japanese porn star Masaki was partnered to a hot China man when he died.
Stanley revealed that he mourned the porn star's death by watching all his past movies for two weeks.
"You know what's sadder?" Stanley asked.
Carl was too scared to answer so he focused on stuffing an entire fish finger into his mouth instead.
"Masaki's China partner died years later in a car accident!"
Carl stopped chewing and thought about the topic, unsure if we had gone from wet dreams to nightmares.
"Oh, that's new to me," I said.
I've always had a fascination of gay people who die and leave their loved ones behind.
This is why, for years, I've been intrigued by the love life of the late Hong Kong movie star Leslie Cheung who jumped to his death on April Fool's day, leaving behind his (equally hot) banker boyfriend Daffy Tong.
By now, Carl had lost focus of the topic and could no longer multitask by holding a conversation and eating, so he chose to work on his fourth fried chicken wing.
"This porn star death and his partner's death... it's so bitter sweet," Stanley said. "I wonder if they would meet in heaven."
"Speaking of which," Stanley said, brightening up. "This makes for a good porn film. You have hot guys, you have the elements of romance, horror, and of course, the essential climax and a happy ending."
Carl stopped chewing and waited for more indications before deciding on his next move.
"And if we have cross-racial porn stars, we can name the horror porn movie 'Pacific Rim'," Stanley said proudly.
Carl took the cue and took a sip of beer to drown his sorrows.
"What happened to your diet, Carl? Why are you eating fried food and drinking beer?"
Carl, whose staples are mainly protein and never carbs, smiled guiltily.
"I have been watching Crash Landing On You and I have since picked up the bad habit of eating Korean fried chicken thanks to the show," Carl said sheepishly.
"THAT is your takeaway?! You watched that whole series that features hot and sweaty cute North Korean soldiers and fried chicken is the only thing you want to put in your mouth? You're hopeless," Stanley scolded.
Carl pouted, put down his fried chicken wing, and chomped on the fish finger for the time being, to avoid further trouble.
By the time we were done with our respective dinners, Stanley was groaning like he needed exorcism by a priest.
"I am so full," he said in a low guttural voice.
Carl stood up and began doing squats.
"Carry on talking, I'm just trying to digest my food immediately," our dense friend said in between each set.
"I can't focus with your family jewels bouncing in your shorts. I beg of you Carl... either stop or put a bullet into my head," said Stanley, who continued to sound like he was possessed by an inhuman entity.
Eventually, the poor connection on Zoom forced all of us to hang up and move on with our lives.
Before we knew it, we had spent three-and-a-half hours with one another on Zoom.
It was like any good old Saturday night -- it started off with us talking about sex, before winding down to more serious topics.
By the end of our Zoom dinner, we all came to realise just how much we've missed one another.
This Circuit Breaker period is pushing us to new boundaries.
To tap technology and continue keeping in touch with our loved ones.
"I would never imagine that one day, we have to meet via some online platform like Zoom," I wrote on WhatsApp in our group chat that night.
"I certainly miss you boys and I hope all of us continue to be safe. We'll get through this."
Carl replied with the gif of Xena the Warrior Princess raising her sword.
Stanley, who was slightly tipsy by then, posted a gif of the Golden Girls coming together for a group hug.
"Be safe boys," he wrote.
"I would never imagine that one day, being safe means donning masks, and not condoms."
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Adam's stories are based on real life events and inspired by real people
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